I'm gonna post on here. because i dont think anyone else uses this, so im hoping no one cares enough to read this. I need help. I don't know whats wrong with me. I hang on too much. I get hurt too easily. I do stupid things, and I don't care that I could hurt someone. I get what I want. I actually want to be a slut. I think I get punished for these things too. Because I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past couple of weeks. I miss my friends. The ones I never get to see really. I miss Joseph. He's supposed to be "my best guy friend ever" and right now its not even like that. and I know my friends get tired of hearing about him. They get tired of me complaining how hes such a sucky friend, because i get tired of listening to myself complain. But i've gotten so close to him that I kinda really need him. I want to talk to him about things, without feeling like i am annoying him. I know things have changed, considering his girlfriend is pregnant, but I don't want to lose him ever. He may be an ass to me, and others as well, and leave bruises on me, but that doesn't even bother me. because its not like hes an abusive person. Hes my best friend, that I feel like theres more between us than that. Idk, i just want him to come around more than once a month basically. And now that hes done with school, I'll probably never get to see him. whatever. I'm tired of crying for no reasons, i'm tired of my stupid body, and my stupid stomach, and my stupid big feet, which i cant do a damn thing about. I'm tired of my job. I'm very grateful i have one, but its just blah.

I just need a friend.

im feeling kinda low,

But only because i put myself in this situation. I watched I can do bad all by myself. It is the greatest movie ever i would have to say. Very inspirational and like very "real" if that makes sense. It made me cry. It was just lovely.

Work today was actually pretty nice. Until the end where i got written up for bull. Its okay though, they just dont know that im planning on quitting. hahah jokes on them. lol. but anyways yeah it was fun, even though i felt awkward around the guy i like. I was like hott the whole time and i could tell i was blushing, but only because i was thinking, not because we talked or anything. Please tell me how i am supposed to invite him to a party when i can barely talk to him about anything else without feeling that im annoying him. lalala oh well.

let me just rant.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. i hate fake people. i hate them. i hate them all. Sorry i am a mature person and the bigger person. just saying. And the only reason im ranting on here is because TUMBLR IS STILL DOWN. LIKE WTF. anyways. on another lame note, bahaha. let me just laugh. Ryan's girlfriend is pregnant. That kid is going to come out with fifteen eyes and legs and arms and a tail. OMG. lol. I'll just laugh some more. I kinda feel bad for the baby. The mom still drinks her butt off and smoke weed. cause thats the cool thing to do. yeaaaaaaaaaah.

hmph,

I'm making my list and checking it twice :) The bold are the ones i've already shopped for.

Aleks
Allison
Alyssa
Amy
Dad
Gairy
Jasmine
Joseph
Kayla
Kim
Meghan
Mom
Priscilla
Samantha
Self :P *always*
Taylor

So, therefore i can not quit my job until i get the rest presents. Yuhp :P And then theres a few others who i know what im gonna get, but its not like major if i dont get them something you know? yeah.

so, maybe i might have made some mistakes that wont leave me alone, they wont stop haunting me. I dont care that i did them, i just dont want consequences. I am hoping that the thing im thinking isn't going to happen, but I guess only time can tell. and if it does, i might quite honestly have to die. |:

In case you didnt know, i got fillings today. in two teeth, and then she started the third one but that one cant be saved, it needs a root canal. yay. im so freaking excited. not. D: what if we cant afford it? insurance doesn't pay for it. and thats 900 dollars. then after that i need to get a crown which is another 1000 dollars that insurance won't cover. woot woot. idk what im going to do, but i dont want to lose my teeth thats for sure. But the ladies at the dentist are so funny and nice and do such a good job. I love that place for now. lol, only cause they're fixing my teeth. But seriously, this numbness is so WEIRD. like i cant even describe it but its only half my mouth and tongue, so its not completely numb, so thats the weird part. hmph.

a blog full of nothing.

I'm happy. or 99% of the time I am happy.
If I have a bad time at a party or hanging out with my friends, its no one else's fault but my own.
I should be thankful I get so many hours at work because everyone I have talked to only got two days or less.
I hate it when I ask someone a question multiple times and they never answer it, or ignore it basically.
I hate when my room is not clean, and I always get in these cleaning moods.
I really do wish I had a boy who gave me butterflies. But you know what they say, the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much, and I think I want it too much that I just dont even get it.
I am going to Italy in the summer of next year, and I could not be more terrified.
I am seriously trying to get happy with my body. I mean I try to improve it, but it does not always work the way I want to.
I hate when people repeat things until someone acknowledges them.
I hate that i get annoyed so easily.
I hate that I have not had the Christmas that I wanted in years. I shouldn't be this way because Christmas is not only about the presents, but every once in a while I would like to get something I actually want.
I really wish I could have my license. Two freaking years ago I could have had them. Like wtf.
I do not like the fact that I was born into a not so fortunate family with the way my brain is set up. I am thankful for what I do have, but it sometimes is not fair.
My friends annoy me more than they know.
I like being friends with the people who not so many people like because I was once in their position. Or the ones who get made fun of. I hate that.

Yeah, just a few things that go through my head a lot. I seriously am trying to be happy. Not depend on others to do that for me. I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl, just not a pretty body. I have to get better with that. I have to stop letting the littlest things to get to me, especially me finding my friends annoying, even though everyone gets annoyed of everyone. I need to stop worrying about the ones who I do not need too. I want to do things that I want to do and not care what others think. I want to make new friends, and kiss new boys, and do stupid things. I wish my little sister was not such a freaking brat all the time! Its ridiculous on how annoying she is. I wish I could go back to how I used to, painting my nails different colors every week, with different designs. I wanna be unique. More unique than I already am. I want a boy to hold hands with during the winter, to cuddle with and make sure I always have a smile on my face. The only boys who are talking to me now want pussy. And yeah, I do want sex, but its not the only thing I want. I want someone whos gonna be there for me like i am there for them and it be equal effort. That's only fair right? Right. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to find a freaking job that I actually enjoy going too. I love most of the people i work with, I am just tired of the managers there basically. I am going to take more risks and not think of the outcomes, and why it wouldnt work, but more of how it could turn out for the positive. I'm going to smile more and just be heather and try not to be mean to people or talk about them, cause thats mean.
This whole weekend shows me that people do like me and care about me. I love my friends so much. They are really awesome, even though sometimes SLUTTY (;. lol but thats totally alright. I had fun. I miss those weekends with sleepovers and hanging out with boys.

you know what? i kinda am always happy. except when i come off my medicine then i get angry but thats besides the pointtt. and i am pretty much good with peoplee, besides a few people that dont matter. its great. im happy. and.. im only super horny. NOT gooooood . cause that makes me want sex. kay thanks.