i think i have the coolest dad.

He pretty much lets me have my fun, with limits yes, but still yuh know? Last night was great. Walking at like 12, taking pictures, laughing, dancing, being in the greatest mood. Kissing. Jenga. Black lights. Horny teens. American Pie. Food lion. Bitches. Silver Sharpie. Loud music. Stripping. Frosty's. Pictures. Loud voices. Boys. Friends. Deer. Sexmusic. And dude the list could go on. Hopefullly, tonight is good too (:<3

what can you do? yuh know.

so, i dont know how this situation is gonna work out anymore, and atm, i dont give a fuck either. i like this feeling.

im no good at blogging anymore.

Cause everything i wanna write never comes out the way its supposed to, and i just deleted everything i had written in the first place.

I've learned not to get my hopes up anymore. This time its actually working. I'm not letting the littlest things, or even some bigger ones bother me. I dont want any emotion other than happiness or calm. By not allowing myself to get upset, or jealous, or any thing like that, im so much happier this way. Its like, i just dont give a fuck. Ima do what i want, wear what i want, say what i want, smoke what i want, yuh know? Im gonna freaking live, cause i only have less than two weeks until school starts, and quite frankly, im not too thrilled.

Whoever told me not to wear tampons for the past six fucking years was crazy. Obv it was myself not allowing me to, but dude, they're like a miracle. Not that you care, but im just letting you know my news of tampons.

When you want something, you play evil games to get things to go your way. So far, my game is working. Hopefully, it'll continue working and i can continue being like this. I'm not gonna give my all to someone who doesn't want it yet because they wanna screw around first, but im not gonna get upset about it either, cause they're not mine, i have no control over them, and more girls need to learn that. We can't get mad at them for messing around. We can be upset, we can be pissed at the situation, but we cant get mad at them if we're not dating them, no matter how much you like them.

Being attached to someone isn't fun either. It usually happens once someone has sex or you're promised things. It's like there is stages right? You have the friend stage, the flirt stage/the like stage, and then you have the love stage. Lets say people go from the friends stage straight to the love stage, without realizing it all because of the stupid three letter word. SEX. Like, you dont know its happening, you dont know that you're "in love" with the guy, but thats how your body is feeling all because you did the dirty. And if you think about it, its very very true. Sex is supposed to be a sign of love. More recently, its not that at all. Its just sex. So, if you're thinking the person you're having sex with is doing it because they actually like you, which they might, but more than likely, they just want sex and you're giving it, which causes you to get attached and piss them off more than you intend to. So seriously, before you give your all to someone, maybe you should think if its gonna be worth it in the end.

wow, i dont know where that even came from, so dont even ask. But i've pretty much hung out with everyone and their brother these past couple of days. There was like a huge sleepover in mi casa last night, not planned, just out of the blue, which is what i want more of. It was fun but im dead tired, even though i took a nap.

Im really tired of there not being food in my house. Its quite depressing to look in the fridge and see the same ol shit as always. It gets old and i think thats one of the reasons im losing weight is because im not eating all that extra junk. I dont mind the losing weight part, but it makes me feel like poor or something, even though we're kinda good with money and w.e. I just wish there was food to show it.

We got netflix, and it seriously is like my new bestfriend. I watch that junk all day long. I have no life. Seriously. But its great :).

i cant be tamed.

Yesterday was a really good day. I won't sit here and bore you with details or anything, but im learning a few things lately. I can't control everything. And thats perfectly fine with me. I get a confidence boost when people tell me im pretty, even kayla's fourteen year old friends, who tend to call me sexy ALL the time. I dont need a boyfriend. Quite frankly, i dont want one right now. I like flirting. I like multiple boys. And i freaking love the attention. Im an attention whore, and i wouldnt be any other way. I like people paying attention to me. Im learning how to control situations better though. Like, not getting upset that easy, working through my emotions before messing everything up, and honestly just letting things go and have a good time. Even though my little sister is a total buzz kill, and i HATE it. Another thing, i need to not get my hopes up. Because you get let down right? That's what happened with my dad. Like we were expecting things, i didnt get too excited cause i wasn't so sure, but he did. So when he learned today that it wasn't gonna come, he was all upset. And for some odd reason, i was fine with it. i was optimistic and told him it'll be okay. shit happens, you know? So, for now, life goes on. And we can just expect the unexpected and try to be happy with what we have.

<3

i was feeling pretty shitty..

until a friend came and pretty much rescued me. Thanks (: So now, i have a new outlook on this thing. Because looking at it from a girls point of view is 100% different than looking at it from a guys point of view. It all kinda makes sense. Because i have someone telling me what i already know, but hearing it from someone else rather than myself makes everything completely make sense.. to me at least and for now, who knows what will happen tmrw morning when i wake up. lol.

im letting my heart settle down

and im going to do what i want when i want. and when you're game, i'll be here. im not wasting my time waiting on you to go flirt around. yuhpsss.

girls night tonight at allisons party, i neeed it<3

i dont like all this crap.

i dont like arguing. i dont like how you cant understand me. i dont like not being able to talk to you until like six-seven every single day. i dont like how we hardly even talk about anything when we do talk. i dont like how you didn't call me and tell me goodnight last night. i dont like how you were so mean to me yesterday. I dont like how i cried last night. i dont like how you dont know whats going to happen. i dont like that i can barely see you, because we dont have rides. i dont like how you hang out with him. i dont like how you smoke allll the time. But i do like you. I like your kisses. i like that you are the sweetest to me most of the time. i like how you can brighten my day by saying just one thing. i like how you think im flawless, when im far from it. i like how you call me every night to say good night. i like that when we do hang out, we have a good time. I like your hugs, and your hands, and how they feel so right when they touch me. I like the way you make me freaking feel, its incredible. But here's the problem. What if you never understand when im upset, and its always going to be my fault. I'm scared of that, im so scared that you wont even give me time to adjust to you and your ways, and you'll leave, again. I wouldnt be able to take that. I wouldnt trust again, because you say you wont leave, but how do i know you're not lying. You said you're going to prove to me that we can make this work and we're going somewhere with it. But honestly, im scared to fucking death.

now that that is out, im going to have the best day (:

i dont honestly know how to release my emotions.

so i'll write about them. Like i love hanging out with ryan. he makes me so super happy, i dont think i've honestly felt this way, at all. But, im scared. He scares me so badly. I dont know how to take him sometimes. and i dont think he completely understands me yet. Im pmsing, which didn't help anything tonight. I had fun though, but i had some pretty shitty moments.

Someone needs to stop being such a fucking prick. Like honestly, you're not that great. You're annoying. Im only putting up with you because of ryan. you hurt my feelings, actually alot. You made me feel like shit, putting me down, and just making me feel like a loser basically, and im not happy. I dont cry over boys. Idk why i cried because of the things you said to me, but i did. I came home and freaking cried. My dad checked on me, which made me smile, because im glad he cares. But because of you, i took my emotions out on someone i care dearly for, and im really hoping hes not pissed. But if he is, i'll just let him get over it or something, i can't win them all...

so, gonna go lay down, with candles and music again, i need to relax.

so im annoying.

and i hate it alll the time. kay thanks.

and i honestly feel like i dont have friends. but i know i do. but i feel as if i.. dont.

oh you make me smileeee

so, for the past two days i've been with ryan (: he makes me so happy pretty much. i love how i can be completely gross looking and yet hes kissing me and wanting to be around me and everything. i love how hes so cute. and when he smiles. and his kisses. and his hands. and the way he just makes me feel alive. but, im missing my friends. lol. im sick again too, but my dad got me medicine so yeah hes great. i got my new phone today. its nothing special, but its a new phone so holla! i have to get used to typing on the keyboard.

idk when i'll be able to talk to my baby, which is quite upsetting, but i'll suviveee!

im so freaking happy.

and it scares me. but my mom told me, "dont let the fear of getting hurt hold you back" and its very true. Like, i will always be afraid of getting screwed over, always, because its happened so muchhh. This time, im even scared-er. Because, first, i've been screwed over by him once, so it makes me so uneasy. But, you dont understand how he makes me feel. omg. Like hes such a dork, and i love every ounce of his dorkness. And hes so cute. And just so freaking sweet to me. How i deserve this? idk. Im still learning to get used to it. He gives me butterflies. Honestly, i like him so much. I need to know whats going to happen. He needs to kinda tell me, soon preferably. We'll see where this goes<3

i cant stop smiling.