these moods.

are killing me. inside slowly. I'm freaking seventeen years old. I shouldn't be depressed. Pissed off at the world. Pissed off at everyone. Easily agrivated. This easily annoyed. Flipping on people so easily like I have been doing. I shouldn't have to feel any of this. I dont freaking know whats wrong with me, and I hate it. I hate it so bad. I have this constant feeling to cry. To not even care honestly though. I just want to run away, and I'm not saying that as a "look at me I'm a depressed kid and i want attention" i just want to get away from everything and everyone here. I'm hurting my family more because i'm angry. Angry all the time. I don't think life is fair, oh wait, its not fair and everyone can tell you this. I just wish that something would make me happy these days. I get happy for two minutes then bam, im back in this shitty mood. Some people care, and others seem like they couldn't care less. But thats okay. Because I am annoyed with most of them anyways. I miss my best friend. I miss hanging out with him. Everyone else hates him, and I have my moments too, but he makes me laugh. and we have good times together, no matter how much of a dick he is sometimes, i love him. Hes more of a brother to me than anything and its a great feeling. So, I really dont know how much more of this i can take before i snap. And that scares me. Like what am i even feeling, or why do i even feel this way. I have friends, or well i think. I feel as if no one likes me anymore, and i just barge into conversations just to feel like they want to talk to me. feel like they still know i exist. I want to sleep more than anything. and cry most of the time. and not talk to anyone, but yet begging for someone to talk to me to take my mind off of these stupid feelings. hopefully, i'll get help. and start feeling better. cause i dont like this. and yeah, you can see me laughing and smiling, but thats a cover. a mask. because who wants to be around someone whos always bringing the mood down, david downer as some would call it. no one would, thats right.

i want

to go out and have fun. get wasted. get high. have sex. do something stupid i havent done in a while. because im stressed and i wanna let loose.

im dumb. trust me, i know. and theres something wrong with me.

lifeee (;

basically, yeah loving it right now. Party was pretty legit, and a lot of people showed up. If you didnt, you didnt matter anyways :P. But yeah, a lot of dancing, strobe lights, glow sticks, loud music, neighbors who didnt care and one random kid in a banana costume looking for the alcohol ( which their wasn't any ). It was only freezing, but honestly, i think it was definitely worth it. Afterward was cool too. The girls stayed the night and we ordered pizza and cuddled up on the couch to watch my super pyscho sweet 16 2. It was silly, but scary at some parts. blah-blah-blah.

But yeah, besides the party, everything else is kinda cool too. I'm getting good hours at work, which means good paychecks, which means i really dont have anything to pay for, which means hopefully getting my hair done professionally soon (: . And maybe my industrial pierced. woot woot.

Not really looking for a boy at the moment, I'm just gonna focus on me. And i know i say it every time, but i wanna get skinnier. Not for anybody but me. So i can take pictures and feel sexy. So i can buy those cute Halloween costumes and show off my tummy. Cause thats what I want, not just so boys would look at me or whatever. Boys are pathetic. bleh.

it was just a dream..

but oh my did it seem real. It was like old times, except he was way skinnier, like he didnt eat, didnt take care of himself, and it made me scared for him. But we just stood there and hugged each other. He was sweet to me, telling me how he was okay and i should just stop worrying about him. I know in real life, that would have NEVER said those things. I told him how i missed him, his lips and his cute butt and his everything, he told me he understood. He looked like he was happy, so honestly, I HAVE to believe he is happy and just let him go. I think that dream was for closure. Telling me not to worry about him again, because he DID look happy, but yet it was only a dream.

We;ll see how my thoughts treat me, but seriously, I think that was sent from God. I'll miss him, of course, but maybe he wont haunt me forever now.

<3

YOU'RE A PIG

AND YOU DISGUST ME. NASTY PERVERT. GROSSS. LET ME PUKE ON YOUR FACE. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. AND IM NOT KIDDING. LITTLE DICKED FAGGGGGGGGGG.

..

girls are so stupid. they put their all into something to get shit in return. they shouldn't trust boys, at all.

and boys are even stupid-er. they honestly dont even understand girls obviously. as long as they're happy, and satisfied, fuck what the girl thinks. maybe not all boys, but so far, thats all i've found. and I'm so sick and tired of it.

Specifically one, hes even dumber-er. and irks the living crap out of me. omg. please go get laid so you can give us all a break. you're not even sexy doing it, you look like a pervert. thanks.

My life right now can be summed up in three words : a living hell. I kinda wanna sleep forever, or cry forever, which is what i've spent the last hour doing so. I wanna get out of this life. and honestly, I'm not even in the mood to go to work. but i will go. because in order to make me happy, I'm going to get my hair done in two weeks. hopefully.

i only want to be happy.

Let me post a little blog.

School-
Three words;; I hate it.
I seriously despise school with a passion. Its too much work, and too much crap I dont even wanna do. I have a midterm, thats six to eight pages. I have no idea how i'm going to write that much on the history topics I have to choose from. And I also have a paper due for eng111. It may not seem like a lot, but boy it is. And I really shouldn't be sitting here blogging instead of doing it, but oh well.

Work-
Three words;; I hate it.
Lol. Like seriously, they're so unorganized, so unprepared, and the managers dont really know what they're doing. No wonder though, cause they'll hire any-freaking-one. How do you think I got the job? baha. But so I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hence why I need to get my work done like now. Hopefully it wont be so bad at the new store, and I'll meet some new cute boys.

Social Life-
One word;; BUSY.
This weekend should be legit though. Josh's party is Saturday night and I might be spending the night at my friends Meghan's house if I get all my work done tonight, which I'm hoping I will force myself to stay up all night and do it, since I don't have to be at school until 1-ish tmrw. But yeah, i've definitely been chilling with a bunch of my friends, and I love it. I love being distracted away from all this crap at home, and all this school stuff too. Then, theres this boy I met on facebook. Yeah, call me stupid for meeting boys on facebook and actually wanting to meet up with them. I was supposed to go to the JV game tonight to meet him, but I didnt want things to be awkward so we didnt go. But hopefully, he'll come to the party with me this weekend.. and hopefully he'll like me in person too. It's so nerve racking when you meet someone for the first time. What if they have this impression of you thats not what they were thinking when yall meet. Bleh, I gotta be positive. Because hes a major cutie, but might be a major playuhh. Oh well, not looking for anything serious atm anyways.

Home-
One word;; hectic.
Things aren't doing to good at home. My dad started new medicine so hes not doing too well, and hes being all depressed and stuff. Then there is my little sister, who is annoying me so bad. She is such a brat. She whines too much and thinks shes really cool, when yet shes not. She needs to get an attitude check before I hurt her, because I was this close to doing so tonight. Gairy helped me relieve my anger cause he went on a walk with me, so that was nice of him. Samantha didnt take me to target like i wanted, and bitched at me. It made me upset too. Hopefully, my dads medicines get figured out because honestly, I hate when he is like this. It annoys me, even though it really shouldn't. Like, thats mean of me to think that because he can't really help it.

Annoying things-
I dont wanna hook up with you. I made a mistake the first time I did it and stopped mid-action because I knew its not right, so why do you ask me again. I told you no the first time, what makes you think I'll do it now. My decision still stands, I cant hook up with someone I'm not attracted to. Should have tried a couple years ago, when I liked you. You piss me off anyways, And you're a mega hypocrite. Then, theres you. You annoy me too. Like sometimes I really wanna say mean mean things to you to your face. No one cares. You're obnoxious, and especially with your boyfriend. No one thinks its cute. Actually, everyone wants to puke on your face. Kaythanks.

You moved on,

So why does my mind still think about you constantly. You never deserved me. I keep saying goodbye, but you never go away. I dont even talk to you anymore. Or look at your facebook or anything. So LEAVE. gah dang.

its so weird.

It's so weird when I log onto facebook and see posts from people to other people who used to be my bestfriends saying those same words " I don't know what i'd do without you." its weird to think that used to be me, to that same exact person, and we dont even talk anymore. I miss some of my old friends, i really do. Like, each friend you have you guys build this personal special relationship that i dont think you're ever supposed to forget. I wouldnt change the way things are now, but if we still talked, that would be cool too.

This whole weekend has been pretty legit. Friday me and amy went to senior meeting, the bank, taco bell, came home and napped, went shopping then to work til nine. Then we picked up meghan and came to my house. We went to walmart and just walked around in our new "yoga" pants that are muy muy comfty. Got some stuff for our party. Then came home and jasmine came over and we went to sleep. Got up at like 630 because had to do a car wash for my club, since im traveling to Italy in the summer. It was fun and i flirted with the guys to get money (: We then went halloween shopping, and i got my costume. I'm hoping i can look cuter when i'm all dressed up in it. and it lights up! that was my favorite part. lol. Finally, we went to scarowinds, along with the rest of north and south carolina. OMG. there were so many people and i honestly just couldnt take it. I was annoyed, and felt depressed cause of all the couples there and stuff, and it shows me how lonely i really am i guess. Like thats lame but i wanted a boy to hold me through all the stuff there, and it showed me i didnt have that. whatever. So, we finally got home at like 240 and me and amy passed out.

Now i'm stuck doing homework, but i'm thinking about sleeping instead, and hoping my boy texts me. Thanks that'd be appreciated. And speaking of him, i dont even know what to think about him. I know what he told me, but then he says other things that get me confused on what he means. So, yeah.. ohwell..

I seriously have to stop thinking about him. Everything needs to be erased from my head. I dont care how hes screwing up his life, good for him, just dont tell me. Thanks.

its the little things.

They seriously excite me. The way i feel when i look out the window to see bright blue clear skies, without a cloud in sight, and a light breeze blowing the trees. The way i get amused when the reflection of the water makes rainbows if hit perfectly with the light. The way someone can say one thing and make my day. The way that after having so many rude people in the drive thru, that one person comes thru with this "nothing can stop me now" attitude and this smile that lights up the whole place, i love it. I love when customers make jokes with me. Love when the old guys wink at me. I can seriously be put in the best moods by just one specific thing, you just gotta find those things.

I'm not really used to much attention, so all this attention i'm getting from boys is just shocking and great. I mean, its just flirting fun, and idk if anything will ever come out of these things, but for awhile, hearing what they say and making me feel good about myself is fun. (:

I LOVE my new house, without a doubt ( minus sharing a room with my little sister ). i mean, its so cute and the living room is huge and theres a back porch and a garage, things i've never had before. I love having my own bathroom, this huge walkin closet, and my bed. You'd never wanna get out if you laid in my bed. I'll probably post pictures later of it if i feel like it. But i feel so comfy here. I love sitting in the living room watching tv. its so bright and open. the couch feels so much more comfortable, and as long as im wrapped up in my new fuzzy blanket, i'll be set for a good while. (:

Hopefully, I will start hanging out with my new friends from work, yeah that'd be cool cause they're chill (: yay.

<3

...

I want a cute boy to come cuddle on the couch with me, to hold me, and watch movies with me. preferably now. Thankss. I even have my new fuzzy blanket. (:



---- im not kidding.

you seeee,

immature boys really get on my nerves and irk me. I was willing to give you a chance, to a boy I have yet to meet, which I generally do not like doing. But, anyways, I was going to. I was going to meet you and chill and maybe even date you. Your voice is adorable. You're okay looking. And you're country. Its almost perfect. But, I don't like how you get pissed off at me ALREADY and we've been talking for like five days. Grow up. You just do not understand. You dont tell me things like "i think you're the one i've been looking for" but yet you just broke up with your last gf like last week. bahaha. I'm not gonna play games. So, I am pretty sure I am throwing up my deuces and peacing out (: I don't even need a boyfriend nor want one. So therefore, WHO KNOWS.

work is stressing me out. and there is too much freaking drama. WHY IS THERE DRAMA AT MCDONALDS. please tell me why we cant all get along. I dont know why they hired me, because besides me amy lauren alyssa and katlyn, everyone else is either annoying, gay ( literally ), mexican, dramatic, black, loud, obnoxious, and I could go on. Whatever though, all i think about is that it is MONEY. $$$. But anyways, i go up there to work, which is a far way away, and they tell me they dont need me today. oh thanks. you should have called before we wasted the gas to drive out there. they sent home five people. gah i cant wait to go to our new store. please and thank you.!