so, maybe i might have made some mistakes that wont leave me alone, they wont stop haunting me. I dont care that i did them, i just dont want consequences. I am hoping that the thing im thinking isn't going to happen, but I guess only time can tell. and if it does, i might quite honestly have to die. |:

In case you didnt know, i got fillings today. in two teeth, and then she started the third one but that one cant be saved, it needs a root canal. yay. im so freaking excited. not. D: what if we cant afford it? insurance doesn't pay for it. and thats 900 dollars. then after that i need to get a crown which is another 1000 dollars that insurance won't cover. woot woot. idk what im going to do, but i dont want to lose my teeth thats for sure. But the ladies at the dentist are so funny and nice and do such a good job. I love that place for now. lol, only cause they're fixing my teeth. But seriously, this numbness is so WEIRD. like i cant even describe it but its only half my mouth and tongue, so its not completely numb, so thats the weird part. hmph.

a blog full of nothing.

I'm happy. or 99% of the time I am happy.
If I have a bad time at a party or hanging out with my friends, its no one else's fault but my own.
I should be thankful I get so many hours at work because everyone I have talked to only got two days or less.
I hate it when I ask someone a question multiple times and they never answer it, or ignore it basically.
I hate when my room is not clean, and I always get in these cleaning moods.
I really do wish I had a boy who gave me butterflies. But you know what they say, the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much, and I think I want it too much that I just dont even get it.
I am going to Italy in the summer of next year, and I could not be more terrified.
I am seriously trying to get happy with my body. I mean I try to improve it, but it does not always work the way I want to.
I hate when people repeat things until someone acknowledges them.
I hate that i get annoyed so easily.
I hate that I have not had the Christmas that I wanted in years. I shouldn't be this way because Christmas is not only about the presents, but every once in a while I would like to get something I actually want.
I really wish I could have my license. Two freaking years ago I could have had them. Like wtf.
I do not like the fact that I was born into a not so fortunate family with the way my brain is set up. I am thankful for what I do have, but it sometimes is not fair.
My friends annoy me more than they know.
I like being friends with the people who not so many people like because I was once in their position. Or the ones who get made fun of. I hate that.

Yeah, just a few things that go through my head a lot. I seriously am trying to be happy. Not depend on others to do that for me. I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl, just not a pretty body. I have to get better with that. I have to stop letting the littlest things to get to me, especially me finding my friends annoying, even though everyone gets annoyed of everyone. I need to stop worrying about the ones who I do not need too. I want to do things that I want to do and not care what others think. I want to make new friends, and kiss new boys, and do stupid things. I wish my little sister was not such a freaking brat all the time! Its ridiculous on how annoying she is. I wish I could go back to how I used to, painting my nails different colors every week, with different designs. I wanna be unique. More unique than I already am. I want a boy to hold hands with during the winter, to cuddle with and make sure I always have a smile on my face. The only boys who are talking to me now want pussy. And yeah, I do want sex, but its not the only thing I want. I want someone whos gonna be there for me like i am there for them and it be equal effort. That's only fair right? Right. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to find a freaking job that I actually enjoy going too. I love most of the people i work with, I am just tired of the managers there basically. I am going to take more risks and not think of the outcomes, and why it wouldnt work, but more of how it could turn out for the positive. I'm going to smile more and just be heather and try not to be mean to people or talk about them, cause thats mean.
This whole weekend shows me that people do like me and care about me. I love my friends so much. They are really awesome, even though sometimes SLUTTY (;. lol but thats totally alright. I had fun. I miss those weekends with sleepovers and hanging out with boys.

you know what? i kinda am always happy. except when i come off my medicine then i get angry but thats besides the pointtt. and i am pretty much good with peoplee, besides a few people that dont matter. its great. im happy. and.. im only super horny. NOT gooooood . cause that makes me want sex. kay thanks.

havent really blogged that much lately.

because im so into tumblr now its not even crazy. but i wanted to blog about my day yesterday. It was good. English was canceled. So i had like the whole day to do work but i wasted most of it. I got some stuff done, so thats good. It was just kinda a chill day at school. Joseph took me home and to get my check from work, and that was good cause i miss that kid. And things are about to change for him so i wanna spend as much time as possible with him. cause i loveee him. I just need him to calm me down sometimes, when i get tired of everyone else i just wanna talk to him. Its weird, but I'm glad that we're this close again. Anyways. I then went to Meghan's house and we decided we were going to go to Taco Bell, then the dollar movies. The lady at taco bell was rude but whatever. We get to the movies and we wanna see case39. We go up to the little desk and she tells us its not working. Like wtf. So the other movie we wanna see doesn't start til 10:05. So we were all like lets go to Ross and that shopping center over there, and Amy was like no i dont wanna drive.. so i suggested we walk.. so we did. In the pitch black. We tried on dresses and shoes and bras and shirts and everything you can think of. Had a crying session in the Kohls dressing room due to ignorant assholes, and then realized it wasn't even worth it. And finally we walked back over there and the DUMB MOVIE WAS WORKING. So we saw the 9:55 showing of it. I though it was gonna be sucky. But it was AMAZING. I would definitely recommend it, but its pretty scary and freaky. I had my eyes covered a lot. And there was too much suspense. LOl. Then we went back to meghans house, pulled in the driveway and realized we wanted food. so we went to wendy's. Perfect. It was fun. then back home we ate and went and laid around talking about the most odd things. We hadn't had a tutu sleepover in FOREVER so it was kinda nice to do that again. Oh, and i was supposed to go to class this morning.. but that failed terribly. Woops.

Yeah. cool.

whatever.

People really really disgust me. Like i strongly dislike them. Degrading girls is definitely SO attractive. whatever whatever whatever.

hmph,

i forgot what it feels like to like someone. its sad. and i miss the feeling of butterflies and waiting on that certain someone to text me and make me smile. |: its crazy, but i just have no one to like.


oh a good note-- i got new jeans (: and a shirt.

Basically,

I am starting to realize I dont even know people anymore. That makes me sad, but it is nothing i really can control at the moment. and quite frankly i am tired of caring.

Anyways, enough of that, Taylor Swift inspires me so much. Her music is just amazing<3 and has very valid points, and her new album Speak Now is one of her greatest, because shes being real. The introduction really touched me, because basically everyone needs to realize that they should speak now, or things could be completely different. I am in love with it. Shes beautiful, sweet, and goes through things that we go through, causing me to relate. Her song "Dear John" causes me to tear up just a little bit, cause that really touches me. People get used so many times and things happen that you just were not ready for. I was there, June 30th, 2010. That was my day things happened that i wasn't quite ready for, but i gave in, cause i wanted it, and i wanted you. Oh boy how i was so stupid then. I don't regret it, but I wish it was not with you. Not giving something so special to a boy who was not special at all. Its over with, and I can not dwell on it any longer. It is really not worth it.

I'm sick, and i do not like it. Oh well, i guess i'll suck it up |:

"Wish id never grow up. i could still be little, oh i dont wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up, it could still be simple. "

you complain how we never see our mother and that she is never around. but please answer me this, why would she want to come over to see us when you ALWAYS have to pick a fight with her when she walks in the door. i needed her today and you started your crap as usual. Thanks a lot. I'm seriously considering moving in with her and her boyfriend. I don't know if I will, but its definitely in my head as an option. You never cease to piss me off at least once every day. You dont care about me, its all about Kayla, and that keeps being proven to me daily. Either her, or yourself. No one cares if " you're not having a good day" and you " dont feel good" i think we're all just tired of hearing it. Even your oldest daughter regrets moving in with you.

whatever. I have a new goal, and that is to make the most of everything. I'm am honestly scared to get on the bus, but i will do it. thats lame, laugh at me, i dont care. but i think its the feeling of not knowing anyone, or if i'll have a place to sit or if people will stare at me. but whatever i have to face that. lameee. and im going to be the happiest person ever. If someone yells at me, i will take it, but not to heart. I'll just ignore those mean hurtful words that im better than. I will just try and make me happy. and make the others around me like me, and not hate me. cause i feel as if im losing all my friends.