sunshine and butterflies

I don’t think anyone understands me fully. I’ve messed up friendships so many times, fought with everyone, pissed people off, annoyed them, screwed things up, and its all because I think im just a hard person to understand. Im easy to get along with, that’s not the problem. I just think that sometimes, I think differently than most people. I try to rationalize things out in my head, and sometimes that doesn’t work and I get overworked about the littlest things, but that was the old heather. No more of that petty dramatic side, no one likes that. Im seriously going to try my hardest not to focus on the pointless things in my life, like the ones I need to let go of. Like so what if I kissed that boy, and shouldn’t have, it was the past, I need to get over it. And so what that he doesn’t like me? It’s what I should honestly be used to, so I need to get over it. If I don’t get over these stupid things and move on with my life, im going to sit here and dwell on everything that isn’t worth my freaking time. Im glad I have my friends to make me realize these things, especially Kim. Not saying the others don’t do so, I just think she’s the one who voices it the most, and I appreciate that very very much so. I need to move on with my freaking life. Leave the past in the past, and if I want something, I need to go after it. Don’t let the fear of hurting others keep me from being happy, that’d be stupid. Also, if someone tells me a fault about myself, I need not dwell on that either, I should just move on, accept it, and if it’s something worth fixing, then try to fix it. If not, then let that person think what they want and not worry about it. I used to get upset if something wasn’t how I wanted it. If this person didn’t act a certain way, it hurt me. But now, I don’t even care. It’s not a bad “not even care” either, it’s a realization that I don’t need to waste my time on people who don’t put in effort into the relationship, Kay thanks.

Now, this summer, will be something else. I have a goal, and I’ve had this same freaking goal for the past like seven summers, no joke, and that is to get fit and lose weight. I have to. I need to. I think it’ll be the only way I’ll be fully happy with myself, is to improve myself into someone that I actually like. Im hoping I can get a job, that way I can work out and stuff. And join a gym, because I would use it so much. I actually love running, you would find that surprising, but it releases a lot of emotions and makes you feel good. I love it a lot, but I don’t even have a chance to do it. Yes, that’s an unfair thing of life, but life. Isn’t. fair. And honestly, the only thing I can do now, is accept it. And that’s what im going to do. Focus on myself and bettering myself with life. It will take awhile, im sure of that, but its what’s I want.