let me tell you a little bit about my life

I finally slept until eleven this morning. SO much better than waking up between 4-6 in the morning. AND i slept through the night, i think. I dont actually remember lol. This medicine is working miracles already. So, I love when i get unexpected phone calls that make me happy(: I got out of the shower and i was brushing my teeth, and Ryan calls me! Makes me super happy considering i didn't think I'd get to talk to him until like seven tonight like usual >.< We were supposed to chill today, but his mother said no. Of course she would. I got dressed, and liked the way i look, so of course i took pictures(: But my camera is broken so i never know what they look like until i put them into the computer. So its a fun guessing game. So, im happy, getting better, and hungry. Thank goodness im getting chinese with my best friend<3 (: chickachickayeahh!

well she aint no cinderella when shes gettin undressed,

I havent been sleeping too well considering the fact that I cant breathe, and I sweat alll through the night. this sickness best be leaving me, NOW. I've been thinking a lot. I love the fact that he cant text goodnight, he has to call for a "proper" goodnight, and i dont mind at all, cause his voice is so cute (: I'm still being careful with allowing myself to fall completely, because of the hurt i've already went through with him, but this time, he seems pretty legit. He makes me smile, like all day every day. Just thinking about him makes me want to see him and hug him. He just makes me feel like the cutest thing (: I love it. Who knows what happens next :)


I'll just complain some more. Why in the heck am i sick again? i just went through this crap last week, and this time it came back worse. I'm seriously tired of it. Its totally messed up my sleeping pattern and my throat is KILLING me. D: I cant wait for it all to be over with,kthanks.

Since i've been up since sixfifteen, i've eating hard boiled egg sandwich, cleaned the kitchen spotless and showered. I think thats what you call a productive day already (:

i'll just say, i had a great day (: im sick like hell, but yet, he didnt care. he came to see me anyways (: and we had fun. lol. sooo hopefully my throat gets better and he doesn't get sick. (: i enjoy these butterflies though, thats for sure.<3

whoever invented family vacations suck.

im not gonna lie, this was pretty exciting (:

because if you're going with my family, you're bound to be annoyed, pissed off and ready to go home the moment you get there. Went to the great wolf lodge inn up in concord, yuh know the one with the indoor water park? it was very cool, but got old after the first day. i was annoyed majority of the trip. i ate too much food. and thats all im going to say about that.

and the rollercoaster begins again.. but im hoping this time will be different. Everyone deserves second chances, im just skeptical because the way you made me feel. hell yeah i miss you like crazy, obv i wrote that one blog about you. you say you stopped talking to me because you screwed so much up, you couldn't hurt me anymore, but do i believe that? you're giving me these awesome butterflies already. and again, that scares me. so i've decided on something. I'll let you prove yourself to me. If you show to be someone who has really changed, and doesn't wanna hurt me, then im in. Because you made me so happy. You were something different. So like i said, here i go again.

you change as you grow older

and boy, isn't that the truth. like sitting here thinking about me this time last year has made me realize this. last year, i wasn't shy persay, but i was shy. i thought about what i said before i said it so i didnt scare people off i guess. Now, im a freak. I say what i mean, and dont really care who's listening and what they have to say about it. Last year, i was seriously terrified of kissing. I was afraid of doing it wrong and being a bad kisser. With that fear, it made me, well, a bad kisser, as i was told. But that didnt offend me. How could i be offended when i had never done it before so i didnt know what to do or what to expect. Now, i want tons and tons of kisses, and im just not getting enough. Like, that sounds really trashy maybe? or maybe not cause im not wanting sex or anything, but still. I want like just these random hookups, that i forget about within five hours. It's stupid. but i guess thats how i am. I wanna be a slut without the title of "slut." I want boys to want me. I think they do sometimes, but not the kind of guys i want to want me.

enough rant. lets talk about the party. At first, i wasn't too excited, because no one was showing up, and it just really upset me cause i wanted something big. No, it wasn't only my party, it was the tutu's party, but it was at my house, so i had higher expectations than everyone else. So if it was totally lame, i would feel more pressure on me. anyways. People started coming. This girl from my old school, and just a bunch of others. No one was cooperating and were going in the slipnslide. It upset me, cause thats not what i wanted. Then the girl from my old school "something came up" and she had to leave. Which i didnt care because she wasn't even trying to have fun, so w.e. Then like it was funny and stuff, and then we went inside. We changed and started dancing and HUNG THE FREAKING DISCO BALL FROM THE CEILING FAN WITH TAPE. who the eff does that! boys. thats who. whatever. Cailey got there with her rather attractive friend, lol. who totally had the hotts for jasmine ;D. anyways. we dance. people leave. we dance some more. more people leave. we play truth or dare, which was very interesting.. and then everyone else leaves. OH, and i got to drive dillons truck. CHICKA CHICKA YEAHH ;D. lol. after that we played with sparklers and chilled. We go back inside after everyones gone and clean up some and go back over the night. Did some other stuff. went to mcdonalds, which was closed, and then home. made some food, and finally went to sleep. Close to the end of the night, i kinda got annoyed, but seriously, thats typical of me >.<>

so i mean it definitely wasn't what i expected, but it was mega fun anyways. i tried not to be the party pooper, but sometimes, i have to, esp if it wasn't going my way D: then today we like cleaned up and i finally got my mcdonalds ( which i dont need ).

i need to go back to working out and not eating all this crap. i need to lose weight. or i wont be happy.

a more legit blog

cause i feel awkward when i type blogs around others. its weird, i mean i know they're gonna read them eventually, but its like a journal entry.. very private, but open all at once.

anyways. can i rant about how my summer isn't fun yet. im still waiting for the adventures. the kisses. the sneaking out. the parties. or the fun? did i mention that? because even though i have been chillin with my friends and having some fun, this isn't how i wanted it to be. i guess i have to try harder to get my fun stuff.

another thing. im going to start being nicer, except to certain dumb ass bitches who don't deserve shit from me, but thats besides the point. if i dont drop my attitude, all my friends are going to leave me, and hate me. it already feels as if im losing everyone, mainly my fault, but idk what to do. but seriously. i used to think alot of people actually liked me. but now, what if everyone has been acting fake towards me, and in reality no one really likes me. Cause it would make complete sense. its like everytime i talk, everyone thinks the same thing " ugh shes annoying" or maybe thats my insecurities playing tricks on me. whatevs.

and one more thing, i swear. i need more confidence. boys dont like no confidence. and they can tell when you're not confident. so therefore, ima learn to get more confidence. i mean i think i look cute today, but i have no where to go, so that kinda sucks.. yuh know?

i love pretty little liars btw (:

"OMG ITS JENNA"

okay, so i have no life right? yeah thought so. i only hang out with jasmine, like who the heck even does that? its sooo LAME. right? yeah. (: baha kidding. shes keeping me sane.. or not.. :P but thats another story. i love her with all my heart.



anyways. THEY ALL SUCK. alllllll. i hate. them. all!
mwahahaha.

out of sight out of mind(:

it totally works<3

got a little more burnt today on my shoulders.
saw ms. huckbody at the aquatic center water park.
tried to get her to hook me up with them lifeguards;D
.. it didnt work.

now im sick, but hopefully better soon.


working out sucks when you have no determination. think heather, cute boys, cute clothes, sexy body, kay break.

" well when i become a lifeguard you can hook up with me;)" --- can he please?

lol.

can i be honest?

i hate hate hate going out with my grandma shopping and what not. First- i have to listen to her bitchy self complain the entire time. I mean im grateful for her and all, but it has to be her way or nobody else way. Then, i get discouraged because im trying on bathing suits and nothing is fitting the way i want it to|: So im like whatever. Then, i feel bad because my dad is like so overweight and he breathes real heavy, and that honestly makes me feel super bad! I mean i cant control it but still, it affects me.

Anyways, the trip to the lake was fun(: i caught four fish, actually five, but one got away before i lifted it to the land. lol. And i swam in the water, which was pretty chill. it was just overall relaxing and calming and good to get away from some shit.

I need to sit here, think about everything, and decide whats best for me. About everything. And im with jasmine, im tired of being this way. I'm ready for my confidence and my fat to go away. kaythanks.

im so freaking annoyed right now. thanks.

one more thing. i think my little sister has a boyfriend ;D
its not fair lol.

touchin on my ..

Okay. so sometimes its okay to feel sexy, right? good. Because the outfit im wearing makes me feel cute. i used to hate this shirt, a lot. Because it made me feel fatter. But i guess with the shorts i have on, it makes me feel slimmer today. My hair is wackk, and my face is makeup-less, but from neck down, i feel good(;. And plus, my boobs look absolutely amazing ;D

Anyways, Im pretty excited for life atm. Im currently planning a party, that hopefully if things go my way, it'll be killer. So yeah, thats my life for now.

And btw, talking to some people can just brighten your day, you know?

the stalkers are out tonight.

let me tell you buddy. if i dont reply to your message, dont message me back fifteen seconds later, i'll get there, im busy. kaythanks.

A letter to someone.

Dear you,
Honestly, I miss you. I know we didn’t talk for long, but it was long enough for me to fall for you, and you screw me over. Even with that, I still miss talking to you. I miss how cute you made me feel. You gave me these butterflies, which I loved, and haven’t felt since. It’s like honestly, you were the last person I allowed myself to fall for. You were what changed me, im pretty positive. Changed me from allowing people to “lead me on,” and allowing myself to fall for guys’ bullshit. Cause after you, I stopped. Every time someone would flirt with me, or tell me something, I wouldn’t allow myself to believe them, I’d lead them on, flirt with them, and nothing would happen, cause I needed to be that player, so I wouldn’t get played myself. So I thank you and hate you and miss you. You were so cute, and when I finally got to hang out with you, you made me feel something..cute. With the way you held me, and talked to me, and looked at me, it kills me to think that after all that, you had a girlfriend the entire time. It KILLS me that you could be as heartless as in not telling me you were still with her. Even worse, it kills me that you allowed yourself to kiss me. You always told me how you needed me, well boy, you proved yourself to be the same as every other one... You didn’t need me. You lied. Like them all. Even though im over it now, because it’s been quite awhile since we’ve talked, I’ve often wondered if we could have made something outta what we “had.”

Signed,
Pathetic lover.

call me stupid for writing this, but i had to get it out. and no its not as serious as some things, but even this small thing can affect the way i think.

it doesnt make sense to me.

and this feeling only comes when i allow it to overtake my thoughts. Normally, i can ignore it, by having all these friends around me. But honest to God, i am so lonely. I have always been. and the reason im thinking about this more is because i just watched Valentines Day. All those couples, all those kisses, all those flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, cute text messages. i've NEVER in my life experienced ANY of that. and i need to stop worrying, but it gets hard. Everyone always talks about their first loves, first boyfriends, first amazing kisses. Uh, the only boyfriends i have ever had didnt even count in my head. Every guy i've ever kissed weren't even my boyfriends, and i didnt even participate in half of them.. why? because i was scared. and why im blogging about this now, makes no sense to me at all either. but i've never ever in my life had that "oh my god leave me feeling dizzy " kiss in my life.. ever. and maybe its supposed to happen this way. Not everyone gets to experience their love this young, but its like honestly lonely.. especially when i wanna kiss boys.. a lot. I guess i obsess over this a lot, cause if you'd read my last blogs something about wanting a boyfriend was mentioned in them, its pathetic too.

^^^ enough of that shit. ^^^

So. Tonight i did something i enjoyed a bunch. We went up to this church to volunteer at this organization called "feed my starving children" in which we package food for kids who dont have food in other nations. Tonight it was for Haiti. We put vegetarian chicken powder, dried veggies, soy beans, then rice in these bags, weighed them, then sealed them. It was enjoying and entertaining, and i actually had fun. We packaged so many boxes and that fed like 100+ kids for an entire year.. i think it was closer to 200 actually. it was seriously amazing how that little time i took outta my night to do that could help so much. And even though im in so much pain, it was worth every second. I also got a t-shirt that my grandma nicely bought for me.. but not without complaining. She was hott, tired, and ready to get home and telling us to hurry up, when in reality we were in line and we couldn't just jump everyone. Then my little sister asked for a $1 m&m package which would also go to the donation fund. She like freaked out and yelled " im already paying $30 dollars for these two shirts! Like it was that big of a deal and took all her money. First off- you have plenty of money. Second- it goes to the freaking kids in Haiti who have NOTHING. gahh. that pissed me off. but i got my shirt (:

secret? im not wearing panties.

today was..

cool.
upsetting.
hurting.
fun.
exhillerating.
drama-free. ( for the most part )
exciting.
cold.
painful.

let me tell you why.

we woke up mighty early because Meghan had a meeting with the school. unfortunately- she got kicked out. but thats okay. our friendship will last through anything. then we all went back to meghan's and went swimming with india. shes only the craziest thing ever. i love her. after swimming she braided my hair, then we went to mcdonalds, got a fifty piece and sweet tea, and ate at jasmines. we went to the brandon oak pool and went down the slide. the lifeguard was way sexy. but we only got to stay for a little because of the storm arollin in. baha. so we went to "wait out the storm" at indias, and ended up dancing in the rain and jumping on the trampoline. and honestly, it was sooo fun! then it started pelting us, so we figured we'd better go inside. sooooo... the storm got worse, the power flickered. so finally, it was a little better, and we went home, well back to jasmines. HERES THE WORST PART. running into jasmines house from the car, we went through the garage. well hey, the garage was slippery as hell, and no one told me. so me still running, i fucking slid into the garage. and died. dont worry though, i only broke my ass- no lie. |: so now im in pain, while everyone is in the kitchen making yummy foods. lol.

summer summer summer.

this time, im going to make it right.

and i've decided- im going to start wearing no makeup, and trying to find my beauty without it.

or at least try.