it doesnt make sense to me.

and this feeling only comes when i allow it to overtake my thoughts. Normally, i can ignore it, by having all these friends around me. But honest to God, i am so lonely. I have always been. and the reason im thinking about this more is because i just watched Valentines Day. All those couples, all those kisses, all those flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, cute text messages. i've NEVER in my life experienced ANY of that. and i need to stop worrying, but it gets hard. Everyone always talks about their first loves, first boyfriends, first amazing kisses. Uh, the only boyfriends i have ever had didnt even count in my head. Every guy i've ever kissed weren't even my boyfriends, and i didnt even participate in half of them.. why? because i was scared. and why im blogging about this now, makes no sense to me at all either. but i've never ever in my life had that "oh my god leave me feeling dizzy " kiss in my life.. ever. and maybe its supposed to happen this way. Not everyone gets to experience their love this young, but its like honestly lonely.. especially when i wanna kiss boys.. a lot. I guess i obsess over this a lot, cause if you'd read my last blogs something about wanting a boyfriend was mentioned in them, its pathetic too.

^^^ enough of that shit. ^^^

So. Tonight i did something i enjoyed a bunch. We went up to this church to volunteer at this organization called "feed my starving children" in which we package food for kids who dont have food in other nations. Tonight it was for Haiti. We put vegetarian chicken powder, dried veggies, soy beans, then rice in these bags, weighed them, then sealed them. It was enjoying and entertaining, and i actually had fun. We packaged so many boxes and that fed like 100+ kids for an entire year.. i think it was closer to 200 actually. it was seriously amazing how that little time i took outta my night to do that could help so much. And even though im in so much pain, it was worth every second. I also got a t-shirt that my grandma nicely bought for me.. but not without complaining. She was hott, tired, and ready to get home and telling us to hurry up, when in reality we were in line and we couldn't just jump everyone. Then my little sister asked for a $1 m&m package which would also go to the donation fund. She like freaked out and yelled " im already paying $30 dollars for these two shirts! Like it was that big of a deal and took all her money. First off- you have plenty of money. Second- it goes to the freaking kids in Haiti who have NOTHING. gahh. that pissed me off. but i got my shirt (:

secret? im not wearing panties.