happy :)

and I am so excited to be feeling this way. Today was awesomeee. Fucking awesome actually. Blasting feel good music and doing some homework :) Honestly, I think I can make something of my life and make ME happy with ME. Because im going to be focusing on me and school. Thats all I can do and need to do. Flirt. Have fun. Get good grades. Lose weight. Tone up. Everything. Im seriously so excited for life. I dont know what has gotten into me, but I know that i wanna sing lalalala :)


" come come baby, come be my toyfriend, let me play with you. come come baby, come be my toyfriend, til im threw with you. let me play with you. ;D "

I guess im happy?

Because i thought it would hurt more to hear those words you had to say to me, even though i've known the truth for a couple weeks now, I just thought there was more hope. Surprisingly, I left your house satisfied and fairly happy. I think I just needed to see you. I think I needed to know that even if we didnt date, that I could at least still chill with you and be friends or what not. But I just hate how you said " I didnt see us going anywhere" because honestly, thats the story of my life. How are you going to judge that until you actually gave me the chance? I wont bring that up to you though, because I'm done arguing to you about your decisions cause seriously, they're your decisions, and if that involves you not liking me or wanting to date me, thats only kinda your loss, not mine. So, I'm happy. I didnt get what i wanted, but honestly, when do I ever when it comes to boys?

I dont have anything to blog about.

But i wanna. So, here goes for a blog full of nothing probably.

This whole weekend was great. I already blogged about Friday night so I'll blog about my Saturday. It was pretty chill during the day, didnt do much, finished my paper and then Amy texted me and was like "heyy, we're going out tonight are you at your moms? " and of course I wasn't so I'm like, dude, i need to find a ride. So i get to my moms and they pick me up. Everyone is in this super awesome mood for some odd reason, and I'm trying my best at pretending I was cause i let boys get me down, as usual. Whatever not the point. We go to Chili's and it was pretty cool. The sexy boy from our college works there, I didnt mind. :) We had a really good time and just got appetizers and dessert. We laughed alot, told stories, laughed some more, cursed too much and just had a good time. Then we went to walmart where we always have fun. I got some foundation cause i dont have any, but im thinking its too dark. Oh well. Then after that I spent the night at Meghan's. With me being so tired, i didnt really wanna do much so we talked, started dating :) and just chilled until we went to bed sometime after 12:34 lol :) But woke up this morning sweaty and gross. LOL. Oh welll.

That was my day. Now, im going to go outside and enjoy this night, do some cartwheels, and be happy.

oh dear Jesuss

Last night was a little bit too crazy for my likings. It was fun I do admit, but sometimes enough is enough. Oh lets say like when the cops come to my house? And theres some stuff on the property that shouldn't be there? yeah. That's when heather freaks out. Whatever. Everything is good, so no worries but I definitely had my heart attack last night. I really wanted to see him last night, but not seeing him might be doing me some good. Maybe I can for real get over him. Hearing all these stories about all these girls who want him makes me concerned, but I can't be because hes not mine and he can be with WHOEVER he wants. So hopefully I'm learning a little bit each day I go without talking to him or seeing him.

I'm very bad on procrastinating. Especially with college classes. I think its just stupid, so I dont really feel like doing it. It annoys me and frustrates me. Blah.

I'm working out more. I need to lose a little bit of weight for me to be fully happy with myself. Like people tell me I look good, and skinny and stuff, but until i fully see it, I'm going to keep working out. I know I'm not disgusting, but I'm not size two either. So yuhp.

This will be about school.

Its stressing me out. How am i supposed to even survive. I know i should be working on schoolwork instead of blogging but i had to blog. I can't handle all these classes im taking. I know some people are in a lot more than me, but i dont have enough determination to actually do the work. My mind is constantly wandering around from every other thoughts besides the school ones. I have a paper to write and a bunch of other things to read and stuff, and i just dont want to do it. Its too too much. And now i find out its too late to drop classes. fuck. i needed that as an option out just kinda. whatever though.

she will be loved.

So yuhp. Heather is in an awesome mood minus her headache, but that'll pass because Danielle gave me lovely medicine. Im going to try to be more positive. You can probably go back and read every blog of mine and they all probably say basically the same thing. But i neeeeeed to be serious this time! I cant keep dwelling on everything, like damn. So ima be myself and not give a fuck what people think. Yuh hear? ;)

just stop heather, stop fucking worrying about it.

You just dont know how you'll react

Until the situation occurs. And that goes for anything that happens in life. Heart break, new crush, death, getting in trouble, etc. Like, think about it. Sometimes you'll be like " dude, if this happens I know I'll die." But it happens, and you're still sitting here alive, hurt? yes. but alive. So thats why I gotta stop thinking this way. I need to just be this pessimistic person and live my life not worrying about how things are going to turn out. I need to just let them happen and face it, maybe get upset, but get over it. You shouldn't dwell on things that aren't worth your time. Its not worth it.
Whateverrr. It's life. Shit happens and then you get over it. I just gotta work on the getting over it part. This weekend should be exciting. Alyssa is coming over tonight, probably Alex and joseph too, but Alyssa is the main one im excited about :). Then Jasmine is coming either tonight or early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for that because shes like staying six thousand days with me! Even though its for a sad reason, but still im glad i'll get to spend time with her. And im pretty sure Amy is coming also tomorrow. So im pretty thrilled for them all!

today wasn't bad at all

I dont know. I just had a decent day i guess. I almost fell asleep in all my classes, thats how tired I am, but yet I dont want to go to bed at all. I hung out with Joseph. It was actually pretty fun and interesting. You know what I enjoy doing? Walking around in my bra and panties. No, im not the skinniest thing by ANY chance, but you know what? You have to make yourself feel confidence with the way you are. Yeah, you can change your body and stuff, but while doing that, work with what you've got. :) I've gotten ready naked including doing my makeup, hair and everything. It's actually fun! lol. Hopefully school wont be as bad as i was stressing myself out about. I just gotta remember one thing - dont freaking procrastinate!

I want someone to want me. Just saying.

oh i have homework?

bahah fuck thattt. It's pretty sad im already getting this attitude on the SECOND day of classes. How pathetic. LOL oh welll. So i went with joseph to see ryan. baha that didnt turn out too well D: his mom found out cause his sister told on us, what a buzzkiller! So, i guess i'll just wait til hes outta trouble to talk to him, if thats even possible. But you know whattt, life moves on (:.

So im thinking i really should read this shittt. not too excited, but oh well! peaceee<3

FUCKKK

This sucks. And is even worse for him D:

frustrated.

And I don't even need to be. But I kinda wanna talk to him, a lot. I know that's stupid but idk last night after we stopped talking i wasn't satisfied with talking to him because I dont think he really was in the mood to talk. But I wanna ask him about his first day to school, and how hes doing and just everything. Oh why does he have to be in trouble, and why hasn't he stolen the phone yet. I wish he was in love with me like my little sisters friend is. He wants to see me and talk to me and everything. I was talking to Ryan yesterday about where we stand. He said he wants to stay how we are, friends and whatever, a little feelings, but nothing more..for now! But like how long is for now!? baha. that kills me. Oh well.

I'm seriously so annoyed. My stupid flashdrive wont open for me. I put a password on it and then i bring it home and it wont give me the option to even open it. Do you know how upsetting that is!? VERY.

So going on a walk to calm down.

life.

cause baby tonight,

the DJ got us fallin' in love again.

So, tomorrow college classes start and I couldn't be more nervous. Yeah, I've had them before, but for some odd reason, this time around I'm just super anxious. I think its because I have four this semester and I'm afraid of getting behind and not doing good. I'm going to try my hardest to get at least B's in all of them, because i want awards this year dammit! LOL. I have to focus and not let any other bullshit get in the way, I need my education.

I don't know what I'm doing about the whole Ryan situation anymore. Obviously he's not going to budge and he's dead set on not having a relationship, but I still don't understand why though. I mean, you have to take chances in order to see if anything will work. I dont even think im that bad looking honestly, but it's always the same shit guy after guy. That we "wouldn't work out," we're "too good of friends," and now this " i need to get my life straight." So, obviously im just this huge problem in your life that you can't handle me, but you can come back for sex whenever right? And im the stupid one still giving it to you, cause im a horny teenager who wants it. Somehow or someway, I need to either control that, find someone new or just completely stop worrying about boys for the moment. Because i can't keep up with this. I get too upset afterward.

(:

Taylor introduced me to some pretty cool Taylor Swift songs. I'm in love with them. Jump then fall is a perfect song i thought for Ryan. But, I didn't even have the chance to play it for him. I swear I could have done that boy good. I wanted to be the one who made him smile, when he wanted to cry. The one to calm him down when he was livid. I mean, who knows, maybe I still will be, but I know i wont be around forever for him, and if he loses me again, thats his loss, and maybe mine.. but I'll have to deal with it right? I'm trying to be more positive about the whole thing, trying to not let myself think about how much this sucks, and just having a little faith maybe, because I seriously havent felt that much hurt since I lost my best friend, but I think that was worse.

"I said leave but all i really want is you, to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming i love you. wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more, and dont you leave cause i know all i need is on the other side of the door<3"

I'm seriously tired of feeling this way.

I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of wanting to only sleep all day long, and not do anything but. I'm scared to see what the test results say, hopefully I have none of those stupid diseases, but I wanna figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I threw up this morning, and I'm feeling all crappy now again. Its getting old.
So, Ryan is the greatest. He came over last night to see me and got caught. He did it all just to see me, and thats the part I love. Hopefully hes not in too much trouble with his mom.. I really really like him. I always talk about how much I do, but I dont honestly think you understand. Everyone has their bad opinion of him, everyone, but no one really sees him like I see him. It's like I know where hes been and what hes done and a lot about him, and I still wanna be with him. I want him, ALL of him, even though theres those few things i dont like, but thats who he is, and if i want him, i take everything about him. I get butterflies when he calls me and i hear his cute little voice. I get butterflies when i see him. I get nervous when I see him, each and every time. It makes me smile more than I have in awhile when im with him. When he is upset, it kills me. I want him happy, that's how much im really starting to care for him. I've kinda realized something, I do need him atm, because if I lose him now, I think I might die, no lie.

Its football season again, and dude am I psyched! LOL. Maybe just maybe the panthers WONT suck this year.. baha :P

Hello emergency room,

Blah, im glad some people's emergencies aren't too bad or else they'd be screwed, thats for sure. Like seriously waiting over two hours to be seen? its ridiculous! Anyways, the doctor figured i wasn't feeling too good because of that dumb tick i found about five days ago. He said five days was the period where you start feeling stuff, so they drew blood so they could test me for lyme disease and rocky mountain spotted fever and gave me an antibiotic just in case I have it. I really hope i don't have it, but if so, AH!

I'm craving chickfila.

So,

you dont know how incredible this weekend has been. Every single detail about it<3 Then, this old man made my day. He looks at me and says "idk if Ryan has ever told you this, but you are very pretty." and i just smiled. because that makes me feel good that this stranger i've never met before said that to me (: lol. Anyways, i plan on cleaning the entire house tonight, starting with my room. So, off to do that!

have you ever?

Have you ever wanted something so bad and more and more things keep getting in the fucking way.

WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

ill do a first day post also.

and be like aleks. It started out good. I was at amy's house, we went to mcdonalds for breakfast, and even though i didnt like my hair or my outfit, i didnt care. Then i get to school and see that the dumbasses actually went through with it like idiots, which made me kinda excited to see you, but then again, kinda not. You still confuse me, and im trying SO hard not to like you, and its SO not working, just saying. But anyways, people were excited to see me, and i was pretty excited to see them, so its all chill.

Then i found a fucking tick in my head. Can i please have a tick in my fucking head!? Dude, where could i have even got that. It scared me, and kinda actually made me sick to my stomach. It wasn't like completely attatched, but it was on there and thats the point.

I hung out with cailey today. We talked alot and caught up and just had a lot of fun. It was nice (:

The storms today are way bad. I thought i was getting better, which i am, but once i was in the middle of that storm on the way home, i was seriously the most scared i have been in awhile, and they're just not seeming to go away. Its like storm after storm after storm, and i hate it.

So atm im feeling pretty sick to my stomach. Im waiting for an answer im not sure i wanna hear. who knows..

So honestly, there are tons of emotions running through my body, and i dont really like it.

welll,

i didnt get to hang out with Ryan, but honestly thats fine with me because i was sick to my stomach all freaking day. i took a bath, then took a nap naked, cause i was too blah to put my clothes back on. baha. it was nice.

School starts Thursday, and im going to have a new outlook on it this year. Because last year, i was pretty much a two faced bitch, and people still liked me cause i was "super nice" and everyone knew me as that. So im going to give everyone a clean slate like a second chance for me to like them. Not for their sake but for mine so i can be a different person who is not fake. Thats my goal, to be nice like last year, but actual legit nice. And also im hoping with school starting back i can lose weight easier.. hopefully since i wont be at home sitting around eating you know. I dont really know what im going to do about transportation but i guess im going to do what i have to do, ride the bus. That kills me, but whatever :P.

I dont want a boyfriend, right now at least, but i do want boyfriends. :) just sayinn.

Oh, you're jealous of my night?

you should be :)

because im pretty sure i havent had this much fun in awhile than i have this weekend, especially last night. Dude, i wont give away my details because thats illegal, but it was definitely fun. Getting naked was probably the best part. just saying.