i dont mean to bore you my dear,

but that is just the way it has to be. Because I need to get my feelings out, again. I always tend to write the same blogs. The same old words that no one really cares about. That I really do not know why I type them. They only depress me, only bring me down further into this hole I have dug for myself. I am stuck. Stuck here wondering why I have not gotten to experience love yet, and I know I am only seventeen years young, I sometimes do not find it fair that everyone has their boyfriends. Many chances to fall in love. Many chances to just fall out of love, never to even get to that point of "love." Chances for boys to actually like them. Having boys actually like them. Leaving me here to wonder, what is so wrong with me that I never have those chances. Those regrets that I once dated. Those mistakes. I know people tell me that it is not honestly worth the hassle, but honestly, I want to feel for that myself. I have had one "love" in my life. And it was not even a returned love. It was more of a relationship with false hopes and dreams. False words continually spoken to me. False likes. Pretending. Sex. That is all it was. And no one deserves those types of relationships. The ones who leave you sitting here wondering how you possibly screwed up when you were nothing but yourself. And that if you were only yourself, is being yourself not good enough if you are "too weird" to be liked? Am I supposed to change myself so boys will like me? No, I refuse to do that. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a pretty face. A pretty girl, with this awkward body that does not even go. A little bit of a pudgy tummy, some thighs that are not exactly size 2, but I see this pretty face. These beautiful green eyes, that I am so grateful to have. They're what complete me in my opinion. But after seeing this, and not having boys who like me, it kind of slaps me in the face that I am not playing this game right. I try to be as sweet as possible. A friend to all. And I still feel so alone. So depressed. So ugly. And it really does not make sense. I try I promise to figure it out, but that only ends in more confusion and feeling pathetic. I just need to not focus so much on finding this love. But it is hard when it constantly surrounds me. And, I am a very jealous person, not helping the situation.

Another thing I do not understand is why people have to live in the past, and constantly bring up things that were once said, almost a month ago. Like seriously, can we not grow up? It annoys me so bad that we could not just be friends, because every time I would talk to him, he would just bring up the stupid point of me "not being fat enough for him" because that is what I said when we had our blowout. It is not like I meant everything I said. I was having a bad night, I was angry, but still he has to bring it up. Make some sort of joke out of it. All I wanted was to be good. To actually maybe talk like we used to. Be there for each other, as friends of course, but he has turned into this major a-hole. Maybe he has always been this way, and I made excuses for him, but I hate it. And I miss the old him. The one in February who even though screwed me over at that point, was the sweetest thing to me ever. The one back in June, before we started hanging out and hooking up. Before feelings redeveloped. Before everything that ever happened, because that was the one time that I loved talking to him. He was a friend, a cute friend who cared about me. Who called me nightly and talked to me. Who made me laugh like crazy. Go to bed with this huge grin on my face. And who was not bff with Joseph yet. I mean they were probably close, but I still in my head feel as if Joseph changed him. I'm not blaming him for anything that happened between us at all, because that would be stupid, but when they were together it killed me how they ignored me, were all about each other, and he was even more conceited. I guess his true colors came out. Things happen, and people change, but sometimes we wish they did not. And that is my case. I guess you live and you learn, and life goes on, but most days I wish I could go back to those days during the last couple of weeks of summer, and fix whatever I did wrong to make everything mess up. I know there will be other opportunities for times like this, but for now, it does not seem that way. It just feels like I will be stuck here with the memories that haunt me late at night trying to sleep. Reminding me of what I do not have anymore, that someone else does.

Maybe no one will ever understand me, and that is another thing that scares me, that I will be alone forever. But honestly, if I let God handle it, and just live my life and not worry about it, I do not think God will punish me like that. I think he is the only guy I can depend on right now. Because he never fails to amaze me. He never hurts me. He never makes me feel like crap. He only picks me back up and puts the pieces together. Helps me forget those nights I do not want to even remember. And loves me unconditionally, even when I stray him. I love him. With all my heart, and I hope I never go back to those last days of summer. The ways I acted. All the weed I smoked. All the cursing I did. The sex. The drinking. Everything. I don’t regret it, but I definitely do not want it to happen again. I do not want to disappoint God again. It hurt me to badly, and so I know it hurt him even worse. And I know he forgave me, but I beg for my forgiveness always.

Back to reality- my job sucks. Let's just put it that way. I mean it is not the worst I guess, but the customers just think they are so much better than you because you are working at McDonalds. And people make fun of my uniform, but all I think of is I am the one making money, not them so they can hush. It is just a lot of work and pressure, especially when the manager is sitting there yelling at you for no reasons and you work with annoying people. Hopefully when the new store opens it will be good and stuff, but I cannot complain too much because I have made some pretty cool friends (:

Sorry for the inconvenient long blog, and congratulations if you actually read the whole thing. baha.

Dear Self,

don't cry. Whatever you do, don't. You're stronger than that, and dont really need to. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm just so annoyed. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of living this stupid life with these stupid things and these stupid memories that haunt me when I try to sleep. I'm tired of worrying about who's picking me up from work, who's gonna take me to work, how I'm doing this, or that. I'm tired of caring about everything. I'm so sick of school. I kick myself because I get bad grades, I dont get bad grades. That's never been my thing. I'm trying to be strong for everyone else, but I'm at a breaking point. The customers were extra mean tonight, extra stuck up, Joseph , Ryan and Billy came through the drive thru, Ryan now has a facebook, we're not friends but I saw it and saw things that shouldn't have hurt me, but they did. Why I still "care" about that whole situation idk, I mean its not like I really do, I guess i'd rather not know anything at all about him so I don't even think about it. I'm over him, I know I am 100%, but still.

Anyways, enough on that. I'm still not too thrilled about sharing a room with my sister. I'm trying to put on my big girl smile / face for everyone but i'm so pissed. I'm seventeen years young. I need my own personal space/room. I can't share with someone who's 13 and is annoying ( just the fact that shes a little sister makes the annoying part come in. ) Plus, I don't like the idea at all. I want to get my freaking license, get a car, and move away. Far far away where I don't even have to worry about anything but creating my life and living my life. I want to fall in love so badly. Maybe thats why its not happened. I swear I havent been focusing on it a lot at all. I don't care about boys. And i've also learned I don't even want to associate myself with dumba's. Some people who i thought were my "best friends" only ditch me when they find their girlfriends, but i mean its okay, but sometimes you can still talk to me, still make sure i'm okay, and especially when i'm venting to you, you can sure as crap text me back! Like thanks alot for the support, and I dont want to hear your excuses. You're complaining about me moving away since you moved back.. but yet you make no effort to talk to me, no effort to text me or to invite me to hang out. Instead all you're worried about is lining your car with tubes for easier ways to get High, and going through with your pothead friends smashing mailboxes like we're twelve. Are you seriously ever gonna grow up? Do you have to die to realize that you're stupid? Cause it sure annoys the piss outta me. So, while you do your thing, ima do mine, AND not give two cents what you're messing around with or messing up. Sorry.

I don't to write my paper, I really don't even know how to do it, but I have too. And thats all that matters. So tomorrow im going to do that, and whatever.












screw everything. im going to my cave/: .

so much to do, so little time, andd

so little patience. Basically I have a paper to write, and SAT prep work stuff to do, but I have work every night for the rest of the week, and school to attend. The SAT stuff isn't even opened yet, so I'm not so sure when I'll do it.

I'm excited for this weekend though. Even though I do work, I also get to go to Alyssa's birthday party and go to church with Amy (: Plus, we're packing cause we're moving. SO SO SO excited for that definitely. Only like nine days til' were seriously moving. Finally closer to everyone that matters, and further away from things that are in the past.

blahblahblah. life is pretty great, minus my sucky grades, I'm trying to not let things bother me too too badly. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

So lets see here..

My legs are killing, my feet are killing me and my throat hurst, but i had fun last night (: The only part i really hate about scarowinds is allll the couples. Its like everywhere i turned everyone had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean, hey, they were all cute and stuff, but I guess my jealousy came out. I just wish I knew what it was like to fully experience cute cuddly things.

You see, guys have the tendency to only want to use me. To only be what they call "friends with benefits". and it makes me seem like im not good enough to get the respect for them to want me to be their girlfriend. They want me to suck their dicks, no strings attached. Six months ago, I probably would have been up for it ( not exactly the sucking dick part, but just making out.) But i've changed. I have finally told myself I deserve SO much more than just a makeout session. Just random screwing. Because that got me nowhere but hurt and confused. Boys don't want to date me atm, and that's fine, but I don't want to hook up with them atm either. So, they can leave me alone for that, because I am happy with who I am. and I dont need guys to make me any happier.

I'm going through some changes in my life. Be patient with me if i'm not always so understanding. I'm learning to love myself first and foremost. And be happy.

i thought i could do it,

I really believed I could. I couldn't. I honestly believe i've changed into this new person, and that new person doesn't do things like that. That was definitely proven to me today. I'm not sorry though, I just know what I want now.

i guess this is how life goes.

im annoyed more than ever. At everything and anything. and I cant control it. So, if I act like a brat to you, please dont take it personal.
^^ just a side note.

I'm seriously tired of people who will not let go of the past.
I'm tired of hearing people just talk in general.
Everything that comes out of their mouths are mean and hateful, and are trying to prove that they're better than people mostly. Its stupid. It's annoying, and honestly everyone is getting tired of it. No one freaking cares. Like seriously.

I started my job orientation and training on monday. It was mon-wed. It went fine, but was majorly boring. And honestly, im so nervous to work, especially for that manager. Hes very strict, and whatever he says goes. He told me I couldnt even call in if I was sick, that I had to come to the store and he'd be the judge of how sick I was. Which personally, I think is kind of ridiculous. So anyways, tomorrow night I start actually training training I guess on register. I'm nervous, because it's a very busy store, but I think I can manage. Just pray for me por favor<3 style="font-weight: bold;">NEVER spoke what was truly on my mind. I didn't want to lose him or the sex, so I sat there and just sucked up my true feelings and thoughts and pretended basically. I'm not saying i pretended to be happy, because thats not the truth, I was happy with him, I'm just much happier WITHOUT him (: or any guy at that note.

But, along with this new road i've taken, comes new me and new ways of thinking. Things that used to not bother me are KILLING me now. Like, I guess I never really cared, but now, I can hardly stand it without being annoyed constantly or just not wanting to talk at all. Its kinda sad how this is going, but Its what is happening. Things change, and people change, its all a part of growing up.

Mrs. McGovern dropped one of my classes for me. I never thought she'd actually let me, but she did. I was super excited and super thankful. So, i've gotten that load off my shoulders. The job search is over with, so that's done with, and also, we're moving! Which is excellent because now I'm going to be closer to everything. That excites me. God seriously is working miracles and I couldn't be more thankful and blessed<3

I need to start working out. With this new job at McDonald's, I know I'll probably gain weight. So I need to watch what I eat, and then also work out. I need to lose weight. My pants for work are almost too small, so I need to fit them comfortably and then I wanna be able to buy smaller clothes when I go shopping. That'll be cool. Lol.

Carrie underwood

is my life. I love blasting her music and singing aloud just a little bit too loudly. She knows my life. LOL. So last night was pretty cool :) Went to jasmines and hung out with aleks and Taylor. We went on this HUGE walk and Taylor got attacked by a snake. lol. it was fun, but very tiring. Then Taylor left and Alyssa and Casey came over. We watched the end of the unborn then decided to go somewhere. We ended up at Marcell's house. We just sat around and laughed a lot as everyone invaded his food. I went upstairs to play rock band and so i pick the song "i got a feeling." Well once i selected it, Jasmine and Marcell were over there talking about how its the Beatles version. Me being super tired causing me to be loopy and delirious screams " Beatles! i thought this was the black eyed peas". in all seriousness. I was so upset that i wasn't playing that song. LOL. guess you had to be there. Anyways. It was overall a fun night. Just saying.

I got a job! I dont know if i have blogged since i did, but i got one Thursday night. At McDonald's :) I start orientation Monday-wednesday so I guess i start some time after that. im excited but nervous that I'll mess up. But im most happy about the money and hopefully i get good hours.

Lately, i've been getting really annoyed with EVERYONE, even the ones that I'm supposed to be there for no matter what. But sometimes, enough is enough for me and I need a break from everyone else to focus on me. Sometimes, people do things that annoy me, and I can't really help it, because its the way they are, and I'm not going to change people, but it just bothers me. And sometimes people dont listen. I'm guilty of it too I'll admit, but I guess looking at it from this perspective lets me realize how annoying i must be. i need to work on that definitely. Anyways. So with this thought process, sometimes im a jerk and just wants to avoid anything and everything thats gonna bring me down. So i do. oh well.

It's finally settled and over.

And I couldn't feel more relieved. I put everything out there, he told me everything he felt, and it hurt a little, yes, but I feel SO much more better now that I have an answer. I erased everything from him, deleted his number, and prayed that I could really get over him now. Honestly, I woke up this morning with a feeling of peace from God that everything will be fine. I truly believe it. I just need help with my depression, so I think my parents are working on finding someone for me to talk to. Honestly, I think I need to be back in church. A good church. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going back to mine. I think I made up all these excuses on why I couldn't/wouldn't go there, but they were only that. Excuses. So I wouldnt have to stop doing all these bad things I was doing. So I wouldn't go in there feeling hypocritical. Smoking, drinking, cursing, having sex, all that I was doing, wasn't right. I'm so stupid for doing it all. I dont regret it, because it took me so low that I finally figured out I only needed God again to come back up. It showed me a whole other side that just wasn't for me. I guess thats why i've been getting really annoyed lately with how my friends are acting. They're bothering me. That's not good. But I need to figure myself out before I worry about them. I might need some time, some separation from them, but I need to get out of this pit of hell. I hate the devil. He put me here. But thats only because i surrounded myself with people and things that were totally wrong for me. When I lost my best friend, I honestly believe that It should have stayed that way. I mean I love the kid, but after starting being friends with him again, and meeting Ryan, things went downhill. It was fun for a season, but afterward it has only caused me heartbreak, hurt, hate, struggles, depression etc. I'm so done with that. I dont ever want to hurt this bad ever again. People told me to get over it, and move on, but they didnt know how bad I was struggling. I would have rather been dead then deal with all of that. And I'm not just saying that. No one really knows how low I had hit. But thankfully I found my way back out. This song is going to be my motto. My motto to get me happy. I'm beautiful in the eyes of God and I don't need to change myself or do bad things to get people to like me. If he likes me, that all that really matters.

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you

i wanna live my life from a new perspective.

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of being so judgemental. i've got to change. I've got to let go of these things holding me back from getting me to where i'm finally happy with being me. It's a challenge, but It's what I have to do.

Good day number 1

I'm going to start having great days. So here's to the first one. ;)
Listening to Katy Perry and about to go do my make-up. Probably simple makeup but I'm bored. so yeah.

Hopefully we're going to move. Cause I think its the best option for all of us!

can someone come punch me in the face?

I'm being so serious. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM, and yet, I'm still no where close to being over the kid. every freaking little thing reminds me of him. EVERYTHING. So wtf do I keep torturing myself by talking to him. He doesn't need me, why should I even want him. Gah, I am so stupid, for ever letting him back in my life. So, somehow, I need to get over him. I don't want another boy in order to get over the kid, cause that could take forever. I want to snap my fingers and forget about him. Please and thank you.

I need to do this. I need to know how.

i had a cool blog planned out..

but i forgot what i wanted to say. SO. yeah. :)


OH YEAH- im pretty sure all guys are the same. they all use the same words. the same lines. the same way to do things. well, from what i've noticed anyways. it was so weird listening to him say the same exact things to her that the other he had said to me numerous times. it. was. crazy. it reminded me how happy i was.. how cute he made me feel.. and how cute he sounded. ughhhhh.

blahblahblah

"Oh Heather you look so skinny, you've lost so much weight" I actually love hearing that, but I wish I could see this " skinnier Heather " that everyone else sees. I mean, maybe i've lost a few pounds, or maybe im just hiding it better. I don't honestly believe i've lost that much weight. Maybe only losing five pounds really does make a difference.

Is it bad that I wear things, say things, and post things so people will like it? Or isn't that what everyone does. You do things that people will remember you by and so you get complimented. Thats how I am with my makeup. More so last year, but this year I have my days when I do do my cool designs and stuff. Idk. I dont like putting make up on a lot anymore, but unlike meghan, with makeup i distract myself away from my hair. My hair is being completely gay and I used to say if my makeup looks good then I dont really care about my hair. But honestly, my hair is really bothering me how its not working out. Hopefully I can get it cut soon or actually cut it myself, but I guess we'll see.

I have this braclet. I've had it since I went to the beach with aleks. We got matching ones actually. And supposedly, when it falls off, you fall in love. Wanna know a secret? It tricked me. With the whole Ryan thing, I thought I was in love ( boy was i SO wrong ) and so I think the braclet went along with my thought process and started to come off. So me being stupid was like "oh! im making the right decision. my braclet is going to fall off and we're gonna end up in love." HAHA. Definitely not what was supposed to happen obviously. Because its still on my wrist, just halfway unraveled.

People have always told me this, over and over again. When you stop worrying and looking for guys, they'll come to you. Honestly, this is easier said than done. Its so hard not to try and look for a guy. I mean what does that even mean? Does it mean that I can't talk about how cute someone is or something? Or does it mean i just need to stop trying to find someone to like all the time. Cause if its the latter one, im pretty positive I can do that one. There is really no one for me even to like anymore. I mean I can pretend yeah, but it'd be stupid of me.

This weekend i'm very excited. I was supposed to make plans with aleks tonight but I think i'm really just going to go home and get some rest and do as much as my homework as possible. Sorry baby D: I wouldn't probably be much fun anyways. But this weekend is matthews alive, which is this festival we go to every year and i LOVE it. My family and me are going. I think it should be fun, esp since my dad got paid. HOLLUH. ;) And hopefully there will be cute boys for Heather to look at, thats all :). So thats what im most excited for. Then I think sunday/monday i'm hanging out with the tutus. I think i'm finally going to see Eclipse. Well hopefully.. cause I havent even seen it yet. So yuhp.

Now that you've read my pointless blog, have a wonderful life!

you dont even have to read this. i needed to let it out.

For me to keep on doing this isn't going to get me anywhere at all, except failing. Not going to school and laying in bed all day isn't healthy for me. But honestly, I dont know whats wrong with me. All i feel like doing is sleeping. I dont want to go out. I dont want to text people. I dont want to talk to anyone, seriously, I just want to sleep. So, that has led to me missing two wednesdays in a row of my mon/wed. classes. Am I concerned? Not really because i hate them anyways. I tried dropping PYS but atm thats not possible and it was too late for me to drop it. :/.

Anyways, i've been thinking a lot and judging people isn't very nice of me. I dont know what goes on in their lives. I dont know if they're poor, if they're rich or if they're just good. I dont know if they get new clothes each school year, have a dinner nightly, or even have parents. So without knowing all this, there is no room for me to even judge them. Like, i've gotten a lot better, but sitting on the bus yesterday looking at the people gathered waiting for their buses I noticed something- you dont know what happens to them daily. Yeah they might have weird clothes on that dont match, but honestly, maybe thats all they have. Maybe they go home at night and cry because they're poor. They dont have much, and they hate it because they get made fun of. Bullying has never been my favorite thing, because of how much i was bullied. But for some odd reason, I do it. Maybe not always out loud or to someones face, but in my head im constantly judging everyone. Why? I guess i just figured they're already judging me but maybe they really aren't. Basically, I gotta stop that like now.

I told you I was happy. I'm not. And its not because of stupid boys though. I'm not happy with myself. My body. My face. My hair. My everything. I'm not happy with the fact that we dont have a car still, after nine freaking months! Can someone please tell me how this is still going on like this? Cause I honestly can't figure it out. I'm not happy that I could have had my license a year and a half ago, but yet I STILL dont have it. I'm not happy that i dont have a job. I'm applying more and more and we'll see how this goes. I'm not really happy with my decisions lately. Smoking weed isn't something I do. Smoking blacks, things that could give me cancer, is pretty freaking ridiculous. Those are only the "bad things" i've done besides sex, but I'm not not happy with that. I mean its whatever to me. If I get to have it, I do, if not, I'll be aight. That's why I'm having the hardest time trying to decide if i wanna drop him completely or just be friends with benefits. Do I wanna hook up with someone who hooks up with ten times other girls. I mean maybe thats not true, but still I know he's messing around with others. Why was I so attracted to him anyways? Oh yeah, his freaking killer body. The way his eyes were so cute and just how sweet he was. But he was something I never even needed. Pot head, constant fighting, conceited. Those are definitely not good qualities in a guy I'm looking for. I think I didn't want to lose him because I had something that so many other girls wanted, and he wanted me back. Even if only for that short period of time and idk if half the crap he said to me was lies, i still had him. That's all gone now and im over it. He only looked good without a shirt on anyways. Just saying. I guess he'll be the real decision maker on that one. If he decides to never talk to me again, that'll be fine with me. I'm not going to put effort in to talking to him, at all. I dont need him. It's his loss and not mine. kay thank you.

Now- im going to focus on Heather Noelle Kania. Making me happy. Making me healthier. Making me skinnier. Trying to become a better person. Not cursing as much. This is going to be the hardest one considering how much my friends do it. But it really isn't even me! I dont know what happened to the happy God loving Heather. I lost her, a long time ago. And I even miss her. I dont pray to God. That's sad. Only if people ask me to Pray for them, I do it. Even then I still feel stupid for praying because I havent done it in so long. Lets see if I can get back somewhere to where I'm happy.