you dont even have to read this. i needed to let it out.

For me to keep on doing this isn't going to get me anywhere at all, except failing. Not going to school and laying in bed all day isn't healthy for me. But honestly, I dont know whats wrong with me. All i feel like doing is sleeping. I dont want to go out. I dont want to text people. I dont want to talk to anyone, seriously, I just want to sleep. So, that has led to me missing two wednesdays in a row of my mon/wed. classes. Am I concerned? Not really because i hate them anyways. I tried dropping PYS but atm thats not possible and it was too late for me to drop it. :/.

Anyways, i've been thinking a lot and judging people isn't very nice of me. I dont know what goes on in their lives. I dont know if they're poor, if they're rich or if they're just good. I dont know if they get new clothes each school year, have a dinner nightly, or even have parents. So without knowing all this, there is no room for me to even judge them. Like, i've gotten a lot better, but sitting on the bus yesterday looking at the people gathered waiting for their buses I noticed something- you dont know what happens to them daily. Yeah they might have weird clothes on that dont match, but honestly, maybe thats all they have. Maybe they go home at night and cry because they're poor. They dont have much, and they hate it because they get made fun of. Bullying has never been my favorite thing, because of how much i was bullied. But for some odd reason, I do it. Maybe not always out loud or to someones face, but in my head im constantly judging everyone. Why? I guess i just figured they're already judging me but maybe they really aren't. Basically, I gotta stop that like now.

I told you I was happy. I'm not. And its not because of stupid boys though. I'm not happy with myself. My body. My face. My hair. My everything. I'm not happy with the fact that we dont have a car still, after nine freaking months! Can someone please tell me how this is still going on like this? Cause I honestly can't figure it out. I'm not happy that I could have had my license a year and a half ago, but yet I STILL dont have it. I'm not happy that i dont have a job. I'm applying more and more and we'll see how this goes. I'm not really happy with my decisions lately. Smoking weed isn't something I do. Smoking blacks, things that could give me cancer, is pretty freaking ridiculous. Those are only the "bad things" i've done besides sex, but I'm not not happy with that. I mean its whatever to me. If I get to have it, I do, if not, I'll be aight. That's why I'm having the hardest time trying to decide if i wanna drop him completely or just be friends with benefits. Do I wanna hook up with someone who hooks up with ten times other girls. I mean maybe thats not true, but still I know he's messing around with others. Why was I so attracted to him anyways? Oh yeah, his freaking killer body. The way his eyes were so cute and just how sweet he was. But he was something I never even needed. Pot head, constant fighting, conceited. Those are definitely not good qualities in a guy I'm looking for. I think I didn't want to lose him because I had something that so many other girls wanted, and he wanted me back. Even if only for that short period of time and idk if half the crap he said to me was lies, i still had him. That's all gone now and im over it. He only looked good without a shirt on anyways. Just saying. I guess he'll be the real decision maker on that one. If he decides to never talk to me again, that'll be fine with me. I'm not going to put effort in to talking to him, at all. I dont need him. It's his loss and not mine. kay thank you.

Now- im going to focus on Heather Noelle Kania. Making me happy. Making me healthier. Making me skinnier. Trying to become a better person. Not cursing as much. This is going to be the hardest one considering how much my friends do it. But it really isn't even me! I dont know what happened to the happy God loving Heather. I lost her, a long time ago. And I even miss her. I dont pray to God. That's sad. Only if people ask me to Pray for them, I do it. Even then I still feel stupid for praying because I havent done it in so long. Lets see if I can get back somewhere to where I'm happy.