im feeling kinda low,

But only because i put myself in this situation. I watched I can do bad all by myself. It is the greatest movie ever i would have to say. Very inspirational and like very "real" if that makes sense. It made me cry. It was just lovely.

Work today was actually pretty nice. Until the end where i got written up for bull. Its okay though, they just dont know that im planning on quitting. hahah jokes on them. lol. but anyways yeah it was fun, even though i felt awkward around the guy i like. I was like hott the whole time and i could tell i was blushing, but only because i was thinking, not because we talked or anything. Please tell me how i am supposed to invite him to a party when i can barely talk to him about anything else without feeling that im annoying him. lalala oh well.

let me just rant.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. i hate fake people. i hate them. i hate them all. Sorry i am a mature person and the bigger person. just saying. And the only reason im ranting on here is because TUMBLR IS STILL DOWN. LIKE WTF. anyways. on another lame note, bahaha. let me just laugh. Ryan's girlfriend is pregnant. That kid is going to come out with fifteen eyes and legs and arms and a tail. OMG. lol. I'll just laugh some more. I kinda feel bad for the baby. The mom still drinks her butt off and smoke weed. cause thats the cool thing to do. yeaaaaaaaaaah.

hmph,

I'm making my list and checking it twice :) The bold are the ones i've already shopped for.

Aleks
Allison
Alyssa
Amy
Dad
Gairy
Jasmine
Joseph
Kayla
Kim
Meghan
Mom
Priscilla
Samantha
Self :P *always*
Taylor

So, therefore i can not quit my job until i get the rest presents. Yuhp :P And then theres a few others who i know what im gonna get, but its not like major if i dont get them something you know? yeah.

so, maybe i might have made some mistakes that wont leave me alone, they wont stop haunting me. I dont care that i did them, i just dont want consequences. I am hoping that the thing im thinking isn't going to happen, but I guess only time can tell. and if it does, i might quite honestly have to die. |:

In case you didnt know, i got fillings today. in two teeth, and then she started the third one but that one cant be saved, it needs a root canal. yay. im so freaking excited. not. D: what if we cant afford it? insurance doesn't pay for it. and thats 900 dollars. then after that i need to get a crown which is another 1000 dollars that insurance won't cover. woot woot. idk what im going to do, but i dont want to lose my teeth thats for sure. But the ladies at the dentist are so funny and nice and do such a good job. I love that place for now. lol, only cause they're fixing my teeth. But seriously, this numbness is so WEIRD. like i cant even describe it but its only half my mouth and tongue, so its not completely numb, so thats the weird part. hmph.

a blog full of nothing.

I'm happy. or 99% of the time I am happy.
If I have a bad time at a party or hanging out with my friends, its no one else's fault but my own.
I should be thankful I get so many hours at work because everyone I have talked to only got two days or less.
I hate it when I ask someone a question multiple times and they never answer it, or ignore it basically.
I hate when my room is not clean, and I always get in these cleaning moods.
I really do wish I had a boy who gave me butterflies. But you know what they say, the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much, and I think I want it too much that I just dont even get it.
I am going to Italy in the summer of next year, and I could not be more terrified.
I am seriously trying to get happy with my body. I mean I try to improve it, but it does not always work the way I want to.
I hate when people repeat things until someone acknowledges them.
I hate that i get annoyed so easily.
I hate that I have not had the Christmas that I wanted in years. I shouldn't be this way because Christmas is not only about the presents, but every once in a while I would like to get something I actually want.
I really wish I could have my license. Two freaking years ago I could have had them. Like wtf.
I do not like the fact that I was born into a not so fortunate family with the way my brain is set up. I am thankful for what I do have, but it sometimes is not fair.
My friends annoy me more than they know.
I like being friends with the people who not so many people like because I was once in their position. Or the ones who get made fun of. I hate that.

Yeah, just a few things that go through my head a lot. I seriously am trying to be happy. Not depend on others to do that for me. I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl, just not a pretty body. I have to get better with that. I have to stop letting the littlest things to get to me, especially me finding my friends annoying, even though everyone gets annoyed of everyone. I need to stop worrying about the ones who I do not need too. I want to do things that I want to do and not care what others think. I want to make new friends, and kiss new boys, and do stupid things. I wish my little sister was not such a freaking brat all the time! Its ridiculous on how annoying she is. I wish I could go back to how I used to, painting my nails different colors every week, with different designs. I wanna be unique. More unique than I already am. I want a boy to hold hands with during the winter, to cuddle with and make sure I always have a smile on my face. The only boys who are talking to me now want pussy. And yeah, I do want sex, but its not the only thing I want. I want someone whos gonna be there for me like i am there for them and it be equal effort. That's only fair right? Right. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to find a freaking job that I actually enjoy going too. I love most of the people i work with, I am just tired of the managers there basically. I am going to take more risks and not think of the outcomes, and why it wouldnt work, but more of how it could turn out for the positive. I'm going to smile more and just be heather and try not to be mean to people or talk about them, cause thats mean.
This whole weekend shows me that people do like me and care about me. I love my friends so much. They are really awesome, even though sometimes SLUTTY (;. lol but thats totally alright. I had fun. I miss those weekends with sleepovers and hanging out with boys.

you know what? i kinda am always happy. except when i come off my medicine then i get angry but thats besides the pointtt. and i am pretty much good with peoplee, besides a few people that dont matter. its great. im happy. and.. im only super horny. NOT gooooood . cause that makes me want sex. kay thanks.

havent really blogged that much lately.

because im so into tumblr now its not even crazy. but i wanted to blog about my day yesterday. It was good. English was canceled. So i had like the whole day to do work but i wasted most of it. I got some stuff done, so thats good. It was just kinda a chill day at school. Joseph took me home and to get my check from work, and that was good cause i miss that kid. And things are about to change for him so i wanna spend as much time as possible with him. cause i loveee him. I just need him to calm me down sometimes, when i get tired of everyone else i just wanna talk to him. Its weird, but I'm glad that we're this close again. Anyways. I then went to Meghan's house and we decided we were going to go to Taco Bell, then the dollar movies. The lady at taco bell was rude but whatever. We get to the movies and we wanna see case39. We go up to the little desk and she tells us its not working. Like wtf. So the other movie we wanna see doesn't start til 10:05. So we were all like lets go to Ross and that shopping center over there, and Amy was like no i dont wanna drive.. so i suggested we walk.. so we did. In the pitch black. We tried on dresses and shoes and bras and shirts and everything you can think of. Had a crying session in the Kohls dressing room due to ignorant assholes, and then realized it wasn't even worth it. And finally we walked back over there and the DUMB MOVIE WAS WORKING. So we saw the 9:55 showing of it. I though it was gonna be sucky. But it was AMAZING. I would definitely recommend it, but its pretty scary and freaky. I had my eyes covered a lot. And there was too much suspense. LOl. Then we went back to meghans house, pulled in the driveway and realized we wanted food. so we went to wendy's. Perfect. It was fun. then back home we ate and went and laid around talking about the most odd things. We hadn't had a tutu sleepover in FOREVER so it was kinda nice to do that again. Oh, and i was supposed to go to class this morning.. but that failed terribly. Woops.

Yeah. cool.

whatever.

People really really disgust me. Like i strongly dislike them. Degrading girls is definitely SO attractive. whatever whatever whatever.

hmph,

i forgot what it feels like to like someone. its sad. and i miss the feeling of butterflies and waiting on that certain someone to text me and make me smile. |: its crazy, but i just have no one to like.


oh a good note-- i got new jeans (: and a shirt.

Basically,

I am starting to realize I dont even know people anymore. That makes me sad, but it is nothing i really can control at the moment. and quite frankly i am tired of caring.

Anyways, enough of that, Taylor Swift inspires me so much. Her music is just amazing<3 and has very valid points, and her new album Speak Now is one of her greatest, because shes being real. The introduction really touched me, because basically everyone needs to realize that they should speak now, or things could be completely different. I am in love with it. Shes beautiful, sweet, and goes through things that we go through, causing me to relate. Her song "Dear John" causes me to tear up just a little bit, cause that really touches me. People get used so many times and things happen that you just were not ready for. I was there, June 30th, 2010. That was my day things happened that i wasn't quite ready for, but i gave in, cause i wanted it, and i wanted you. Oh boy how i was so stupid then. I don't regret it, but I wish it was not with you. Not giving something so special to a boy who was not special at all. Its over with, and I can not dwell on it any longer. It is really not worth it.

I'm sick, and i do not like it. Oh well, i guess i'll suck it up |:

"Wish id never grow up. i could still be little, oh i dont wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up, it could still be simple. "

you complain how we never see our mother and that she is never around. but please answer me this, why would she want to come over to see us when you ALWAYS have to pick a fight with her when she walks in the door. i needed her today and you started your crap as usual. Thanks a lot. I'm seriously considering moving in with her and her boyfriend. I don't know if I will, but its definitely in my head as an option. You never cease to piss me off at least once every day. You dont care about me, its all about Kayla, and that keeps being proven to me daily. Either her, or yourself. No one cares if " you're not having a good day" and you " dont feel good" i think we're all just tired of hearing it. Even your oldest daughter regrets moving in with you.

whatever. I have a new goal, and that is to make the most of everything. I'm am honestly scared to get on the bus, but i will do it. thats lame, laugh at me, i dont care. but i think its the feeling of not knowing anyone, or if i'll have a place to sit or if people will stare at me. but whatever i have to face that. lameee. and im going to be the happiest person ever. If someone yells at me, i will take it, but not to heart. I'll just ignore those mean hurtful words that im better than. I will just try and make me happy. and make the others around me like me, and not hate me. cause i feel as if im losing all my friends.

these moods.

are killing me. inside slowly. I'm freaking seventeen years old. I shouldn't be depressed. Pissed off at the world. Pissed off at everyone. Easily agrivated. This easily annoyed. Flipping on people so easily like I have been doing. I shouldn't have to feel any of this. I dont freaking know whats wrong with me, and I hate it. I hate it so bad. I have this constant feeling to cry. To not even care honestly though. I just want to run away, and I'm not saying that as a "look at me I'm a depressed kid and i want attention" i just want to get away from everything and everyone here. I'm hurting my family more because i'm angry. Angry all the time. I don't think life is fair, oh wait, its not fair and everyone can tell you this. I just wish that something would make me happy these days. I get happy for two minutes then bam, im back in this shitty mood. Some people care, and others seem like they couldn't care less. But thats okay. Because I am annoyed with most of them anyways. I miss my best friend. I miss hanging out with him. Everyone else hates him, and I have my moments too, but he makes me laugh. and we have good times together, no matter how much of a dick he is sometimes, i love him. Hes more of a brother to me than anything and its a great feeling. So, I really dont know how much more of this i can take before i snap. And that scares me. Like what am i even feeling, or why do i even feel this way. I have friends, or well i think. I feel as if no one likes me anymore, and i just barge into conversations just to feel like they want to talk to me. feel like they still know i exist. I want to sleep more than anything. and cry most of the time. and not talk to anyone, but yet begging for someone to talk to me to take my mind off of these stupid feelings. hopefully, i'll get help. and start feeling better. cause i dont like this. and yeah, you can see me laughing and smiling, but thats a cover. a mask. because who wants to be around someone whos always bringing the mood down, david downer as some would call it. no one would, thats right.

i want

to go out and have fun. get wasted. get high. have sex. do something stupid i havent done in a while. because im stressed and i wanna let loose.

im dumb. trust me, i know. and theres something wrong with me.

lifeee (;

basically, yeah loving it right now. Party was pretty legit, and a lot of people showed up. If you didnt, you didnt matter anyways :P. But yeah, a lot of dancing, strobe lights, glow sticks, loud music, neighbors who didnt care and one random kid in a banana costume looking for the alcohol ( which their wasn't any ). It was only freezing, but honestly, i think it was definitely worth it. Afterward was cool too. The girls stayed the night and we ordered pizza and cuddled up on the couch to watch my super pyscho sweet 16 2. It was silly, but scary at some parts. blah-blah-blah.

But yeah, besides the party, everything else is kinda cool too. I'm getting good hours at work, which means good paychecks, which means i really dont have anything to pay for, which means hopefully getting my hair done professionally soon (: . And maybe my industrial pierced. woot woot.

Not really looking for a boy at the moment, I'm just gonna focus on me. And i know i say it every time, but i wanna get skinnier. Not for anybody but me. So i can take pictures and feel sexy. So i can buy those cute Halloween costumes and show off my tummy. Cause thats what I want, not just so boys would look at me or whatever. Boys are pathetic. bleh.

it was just a dream..

but oh my did it seem real. It was like old times, except he was way skinnier, like he didnt eat, didnt take care of himself, and it made me scared for him. But we just stood there and hugged each other. He was sweet to me, telling me how he was okay and i should just stop worrying about him. I know in real life, that would have NEVER said those things. I told him how i missed him, his lips and his cute butt and his everything, he told me he understood. He looked like he was happy, so honestly, I HAVE to believe he is happy and just let him go. I think that dream was for closure. Telling me not to worry about him again, because he DID look happy, but yet it was only a dream.

We;ll see how my thoughts treat me, but seriously, I think that was sent from God. I'll miss him, of course, but maybe he wont haunt me forever now.

<3

YOU'RE A PIG

AND YOU DISGUST ME. NASTY PERVERT. GROSSS. LET ME PUKE ON YOUR FACE. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. AND IM NOT KIDDING. LITTLE DICKED FAGGGGGGGGGG.

..

girls are so stupid. they put their all into something to get shit in return. they shouldn't trust boys, at all.

and boys are even stupid-er. they honestly dont even understand girls obviously. as long as they're happy, and satisfied, fuck what the girl thinks. maybe not all boys, but so far, thats all i've found. and I'm so sick and tired of it.

Specifically one, hes even dumber-er. and irks the living crap out of me. omg. please go get laid so you can give us all a break. you're not even sexy doing it, you look like a pervert. thanks.

My life right now can be summed up in three words : a living hell. I kinda wanna sleep forever, or cry forever, which is what i've spent the last hour doing so. I wanna get out of this life. and honestly, I'm not even in the mood to go to work. but i will go. because in order to make me happy, I'm going to get my hair done in two weeks. hopefully.

i only want to be happy.

Let me post a little blog.

School-
Three words;; I hate it.
I seriously despise school with a passion. Its too much work, and too much crap I dont even wanna do. I have a midterm, thats six to eight pages. I have no idea how i'm going to write that much on the history topics I have to choose from. And I also have a paper due for eng111. It may not seem like a lot, but boy it is. And I really shouldn't be sitting here blogging instead of doing it, but oh well.

Work-
Three words;; I hate it.
Lol. Like seriously, they're so unorganized, so unprepared, and the managers dont really know what they're doing. No wonder though, cause they'll hire any-freaking-one. How do you think I got the job? baha. But so I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hence why I need to get my work done like now. Hopefully it wont be so bad at the new store, and I'll meet some new cute boys.

Social Life-
One word;; BUSY.
This weekend should be legit though. Josh's party is Saturday night and I might be spending the night at my friends Meghan's house if I get all my work done tonight, which I'm hoping I will force myself to stay up all night and do it, since I don't have to be at school until 1-ish tmrw. But yeah, i've definitely been chilling with a bunch of my friends, and I love it. I love being distracted away from all this crap at home, and all this school stuff too. Then, theres this boy I met on facebook. Yeah, call me stupid for meeting boys on facebook and actually wanting to meet up with them. I was supposed to go to the JV game tonight to meet him, but I didnt want things to be awkward so we didnt go. But hopefully, he'll come to the party with me this weekend.. and hopefully he'll like me in person too. It's so nerve racking when you meet someone for the first time. What if they have this impression of you thats not what they were thinking when yall meet. Bleh, I gotta be positive. Because hes a major cutie, but might be a major playuhh. Oh well, not looking for anything serious atm anyways.

Home-
One word;; hectic.
Things aren't doing to good at home. My dad started new medicine so hes not doing too well, and hes being all depressed and stuff. Then there is my little sister, who is annoying me so bad. She is such a brat. She whines too much and thinks shes really cool, when yet shes not. She needs to get an attitude check before I hurt her, because I was this close to doing so tonight. Gairy helped me relieve my anger cause he went on a walk with me, so that was nice of him. Samantha didnt take me to target like i wanted, and bitched at me. It made me upset too. Hopefully, my dads medicines get figured out because honestly, I hate when he is like this. It annoys me, even though it really shouldn't. Like, thats mean of me to think that because he can't really help it.

Annoying things-
I dont wanna hook up with you. I made a mistake the first time I did it and stopped mid-action because I knew its not right, so why do you ask me again. I told you no the first time, what makes you think I'll do it now. My decision still stands, I cant hook up with someone I'm not attracted to. Should have tried a couple years ago, when I liked you. You piss me off anyways, And you're a mega hypocrite. Then, theres you. You annoy me too. Like sometimes I really wanna say mean mean things to you to your face. No one cares. You're obnoxious, and especially with your boyfriend. No one thinks its cute. Actually, everyone wants to puke on your face. Kaythanks.

You moved on,

So why does my mind still think about you constantly. You never deserved me. I keep saying goodbye, but you never go away. I dont even talk to you anymore. Or look at your facebook or anything. So LEAVE. gah dang.

its so weird.

It's so weird when I log onto facebook and see posts from people to other people who used to be my bestfriends saying those same words " I don't know what i'd do without you." its weird to think that used to be me, to that same exact person, and we dont even talk anymore. I miss some of my old friends, i really do. Like, each friend you have you guys build this personal special relationship that i dont think you're ever supposed to forget. I wouldnt change the way things are now, but if we still talked, that would be cool too.

This whole weekend has been pretty legit. Friday me and amy went to senior meeting, the bank, taco bell, came home and napped, went shopping then to work til nine. Then we picked up meghan and came to my house. We went to walmart and just walked around in our new "yoga" pants that are muy muy comfty. Got some stuff for our party. Then came home and jasmine came over and we went to sleep. Got up at like 630 because had to do a car wash for my club, since im traveling to Italy in the summer. It was fun and i flirted with the guys to get money (: We then went halloween shopping, and i got my costume. I'm hoping i can look cuter when i'm all dressed up in it. and it lights up! that was my favorite part. lol. Finally, we went to scarowinds, along with the rest of north and south carolina. OMG. there were so many people and i honestly just couldnt take it. I was annoyed, and felt depressed cause of all the couples there and stuff, and it shows me how lonely i really am i guess. Like thats lame but i wanted a boy to hold me through all the stuff there, and it showed me i didnt have that. whatever. So, we finally got home at like 240 and me and amy passed out.

Now i'm stuck doing homework, but i'm thinking about sleeping instead, and hoping my boy texts me. Thanks that'd be appreciated. And speaking of him, i dont even know what to think about him. I know what he told me, but then he says other things that get me confused on what he means. So, yeah.. ohwell..

I seriously have to stop thinking about him. Everything needs to be erased from my head. I dont care how hes screwing up his life, good for him, just dont tell me. Thanks.

its the little things.

They seriously excite me. The way i feel when i look out the window to see bright blue clear skies, without a cloud in sight, and a light breeze blowing the trees. The way i get amused when the reflection of the water makes rainbows if hit perfectly with the light. The way someone can say one thing and make my day. The way that after having so many rude people in the drive thru, that one person comes thru with this "nothing can stop me now" attitude and this smile that lights up the whole place, i love it. I love when customers make jokes with me. Love when the old guys wink at me. I can seriously be put in the best moods by just one specific thing, you just gotta find those things.

I'm not really used to much attention, so all this attention i'm getting from boys is just shocking and great. I mean, its just flirting fun, and idk if anything will ever come out of these things, but for awhile, hearing what they say and making me feel good about myself is fun. (:

I LOVE my new house, without a doubt ( minus sharing a room with my little sister ). i mean, its so cute and the living room is huge and theres a back porch and a garage, things i've never had before. I love having my own bathroom, this huge walkin closet, and my bed. You'd never wanna get out if you laid in my bed. I'll probably post pictures later of it if i feel like it. But i feel so comfy here. I love sitting in the living room watching tv. its so bright and open. the couch feels so much more comfortable, and as long as im wrapped up in my new fuzzy blanket, i'll be set for a good while. (:

Hopefully, I will start hanging out with my new friends from work, yeah that'd be cool cause they're chill (: yay.

<3

...

I want a cute boy to come cuddle on the couch with me, to hold me, and watch movies with me. preferably now. Thankss. I even have my new fuzzy blanket. (:



---- im not kidding.

you seeee,

immature boys really get on my nerves and irk me. I was willing to give you a chance, to a boy I have yet to meet, which I generally do not like doing. But, anyways, I was going to. I was going to meet you and chill and maybe even date you. Your voice is adorable. You're okay looking. And you're country. Its almost perfect. But, I don't like how you get pissed off at me ALREADY and we've been talking for like five days. Grow up. You just do not understand. You dont tell me things like "i think you're the one i've been looking for" but yet you just broke up with your last gf like last week. bahaha. I'm not gonna play games. So, I am pretty sure I am throwing up my deuces and peacing out (: I don't even need a boyfriend nor want one. So therefore, WHO KNOWS.

work is stressing me out. and there is too much freaking drama. WHY IS THERE DRAMA AT MCDONALDS. please tell me why we cant all get along. I dont know why they hired me, because besides me amy lauren alyssa and katlyn, everyone else is either annoying, gay ( literally ), mexican, dramatic, black, loud, obnoxious, and I could go on. Whatever though, all i think about is that it is MONEY. $$$. But anyways, i go up there to work, which is a far way away, and they tell me they dont need me today. oh thanks. you should have called before we wasted the gas to drive out there. they sent home five people. gah i cant wait to go to our new store. please and thank you.!

i dont mean to bore you my dear,

but that is just the way it has to be. Because I need to get my feelings out, again. I always tend to write the same blogs. The same old words that no one really cares about. That I really do not know why I type them. They only depress me, only bring me down further into this hole I have dug for myself. I am stuck. Stuck here wondering why I have not gotten to experience love yet, and I know I am only seventeen years young, I sometimes do not find it fair that everyone has their boyfriends. Many chances to fall in love. Many chances to just fall out of love, never to even get to that point of "love." Chances for boys to actually like them. Having boys actually like them. Leaving me here to wonder, what is so wrong with me that I never have those chances. Those regrets that I once dated. Those mistakes. I know people tell me that it is not honestly worth the hassle, but honestly, I want to feel for that myself. I have had one "love" in my life. And it was not even a returned love. It was more of a relationship with false hopes and dreams. False words continually spoken to me. False likes. Pretending. Sex. That is all it was. And no one deserves those types of relationships. The ones who leave you sitting here wondering how you possibly screwed up when you were nothing but yourself. And that if you were only yourself, is being yourself not good enough if you are "too weird" to be liked? Am I supposed to change myself so boys will like me? No, I refuse to do that. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a pretty face. A pretty girl, with this awkward body that does not even go. A little bit of a pudgy tummy, some thighs that are not exactly size 2, but I see this pretty face. These beautiful green eyes, that I am so grateful to have. They're what complete me in my opinion. But after seeing this, and not having boys who like me, it kind of slaps me in the face that I am not playing this game right. I try to be as sweet as possible. A friend to all. And I still feel so alone. So depressed. So ugly. And it really does not make sense. I try I promise to figure it out, but that only ends in more confusion and feeling pathetic. I just need to not focus so much on finding this love. But it is hard when it constantly surrounds me. And, I am a very jealous person, not helping the situation.

Another thing I do not understand is why people have to live in the past, and constantly bring up things that were once said, almost a month ago. Like seriously, can we not grow up? It annoys me so bad that we could not just be friends, because every time I would talk to him, he would just bring up the stupid point of me "not being fat enough for him" because that is what I said when we had our blowout. It is not like I meant everything I said. I was having a bad night, I was angry, but still he has to bring it up. Make some sort of joke out of it. All I wanted was to be good. To actually maybe talk like we used to. Be there for each other, as friends of course, but he has turned into this major a-hole. Maybe he has always been this way, and I made excuses for him, but I hate it. And I miss the old him. The one in February who even though screwed me over at that point, was the sweetest thing to me ever. The one back in June, before we started hanging out and hooking up. Before feelings redeveloped. Before everything that ever happened, because that was the one time that I loved talking to him. He was a friend, a cute friend who cared about me. Who called me nightly and talked to me. Who made me laugh like crazy. Go to bed with this huge grin on my face. And who was not bff with Joseph yet. I mean they were probably close, but I still in my head feel as if Joseph changed him. I'm not blaming him for anything that happened between us at all, because that would be stupid, but when they were together it killed me how they ignored me, were all about each other, and he was even more conceited. I guess his true colors came out. Things happen, and people change, but sometimes we wish they did not. And that is my case. I guess you live and you learn, and life goes on, but most days I wish I could go back to those days during the last couple of weeks of summer, and fix whatever I did wrong to make everything mess up. I know there will be other opportunities for times like this, but for now, it does not seem that way. It just feels like I will be stuck here with the memories that haunt me late at night trying to sleep. Reminding me of what I do not have anymore, that someone else does.

Maybe no one will ever understand me, and that is another thing that scares me, that I will be alone forever. But honestly, if I let God handle it, and just live my life and not worry about it, I do not think God will punish me like that. I think he is the only guy I can depend on right now. Because he never fails to amaze me. He never hurts me. He never makes me feel like crap. He only picks me back up and puts the pieces together. Helps me forget those nights I do not want to even remember. And loves me unconditionally, even when I stray him. I love him. With all my heart, and I hope I never go back to those last days of summer. The ways I acted. All the weed I smoked. All the cursing I did. The sex. The drinking. Everything. I don’t regret it, but I definitely do not want it to happen again. I do not want to disappoint God again. It hurt me to badly, and so I know it hurt him even worse. And I know he forgave me, but I beg for my forgiveness always.

Back to reality- my job sucks. Let's just put it that way. I mean it is not the worst I guess, but the customers just think they are so much better than you because you are working at McDonalds. And people make fun of my uniform, but all I think of is I am the one making money, not them so they can hush. It is just a lot of work and pressure, especially when the manager is sitting there yelling at you for no reasons and you work with annoying people. Hopefully when the new store opens it will be good and stuff, but I cannot complain too much because I have made some pretty cool friends (:

Sorry for the inconvenient long blog, and congratulations if you actually read the whole thing. baha.

Dear Self,

don't cry. Whatever you do, don't. You're stronger than that, and dont really need to. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm just so annoyed. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of living this stupid life with these stupid things and these stupid memories that haunt me when I try to sleep. I'm tired of worrying about who's picking me up from work, who's gonna take me to work, how I'm doing this, or that. I'm tired of caring about everything. I'm so sick of school. I kick myself because I get bad grades, I dont get bad grades. That's never been my thing. I'm trying to be strong for everyone else, but I'm at a breaking point. The customers were extra mean tonight, extra stuck up, Joseph , Ryan and Billy came through the drive thru, Ryan now has a facebook, we're not friends but I saw it and saw things that shouldn't have hurt me, but they did. Why I still "care" about that whole situation idk, I mean its not like I really do, I guess i'd rather not know anything at all about him so I don't even think about it. I'm over him, I know I am 100%, but still.

Anyways, enough on that. I'm still not too thrilled about sharing a room with my sister. I'm trying to put on my big girl smile / face for everyone but i'm so pissed. I'm seventeen years young. I need my own personal space/room. I can't share with someone who's 13 and is annoying ( just the fact that shes a little sister makes the annoying part come in. ) Plus, I don't like the idea at all. I want to get my freaking license, get a car, and move away. Far far away where I don't even have to worry about anything but creating my life and living my life. I want to fall in love so badly. Maybe thats why its not happened. I swear I havent been focusing on it a lot at all. I don't care about boys. And i've also learned I don't even want to associate myself with dumba's. Some people who i thought were my "best friends" only ditch me when they find their girlfriends, but i mean its okay, but sometimes you can still talk to me, still make sure i'm okay, and especially when i'm venting to you, you can sure as crap text me back! Like thanks alot for the support, and I dont want to hear your excuses. You're complaining about me moving away since you moved back.. but yet you make no effort to talk to me, no effort to text me or to invite me to hang out. Instead all you're worried about is lining your car with tubes for easier ways to get High, and going through with your pothead friends smashing mailboxes like we're twelve. Are you seriously ever gonna grow up? Do you have to die to realize that you're stupid? Cause it sure annoys the piss outta me. So, while you do your thing, ima do mine, AND not give two cents what you're messing around with or messing up. Sorry.

I don't to write my paper, I really don't even know how to do it, but I have too. And thats all that matters. So tomorrow im going to do that, and whatever.












screw everything. im going to my cave/: .

so much to do, so little time, andd

so little patience. Basically I have a paper to write, and SAT prep work stuff to do, but I have work every night for the rest of the week, and school to attend. The SAT stuff isn't even opened yet, so I'm not so sure when I'll do it.

I'm excited for this weekend though. Even though I do work, I also get to go to Alyssa's birthday party and go to church with Amy (: Plus, we're packing cause we're moving. SO SO SO excited for that definitely. Only like nine days til' were seriously moving. Finally closer to everyone that matters, and further away from things that are in the past.

blahblahblah. life is pretty great, minus my sucky grades, I'm trying to not let things bother me too too badly. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

So lets see here..

My legs are killing, my feet are killing me and my throat hurst, but i had fun last night (: The only part i really hate about scarowinds is allll the couples. Its like everywhere i turned everyone had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean, hey, they were all cute and stuff, but I guess my jealousy came out. I just wish I knew what it was like to fully experience cute cuddly things.

You see, guys have the tendency to only want to use me. To only be what they call "friends with benefits". and it makes me seem like im not good enough to get the respect for them to want me to be their girlfriend. They want me to suck their dicks, no strings attached. Six months ago, I probably would have been up for it ( not exactly the sucking dick part, but just making out.) But i've changed. I have finally told myself I deserve SO much more than just a makeout session. Just random screwing. Because that got me nowhere but hurt and confused. Boys don't want to date me atm, and that's fine, but I don't want to hook up with them atm either. So, they can leave me alone for that, because I am happy with who I am. and I dont need guys to make me any happier.

I'm going through some changes in my life. Be patient with me if i'm not always so understanding. I'm learning to love myself first and foremost. And be happy.

i thought i could do it,

I really believed I could. I couldn't. I honestly believe i've changed into this new person, and that new person doesn't do things like that. That was definitely proven to me today. I'm not sorry though, I just know what I want now.

i guess this is how life goes.

im annoyed more than ever. At everything and anything. and I cant control it. So, if I act like a brat to you, please dont take it personal.
^^ just a side note.

I'm seriously tired of people who will not let go of the past.
I'm tired of hearing people just talk in general.
Everything that comes out of their mouths are mean and hateful, and are trying to prove that they're better than people mostly. Its stupid. It's annoying, and honestly everyone is getting tired of it. No one freaking cares. Like seriously.

I started my job orientation and training on monday. It was mon-wed. It went fine, but was majorly boring. And honestly, im so nervous to work, especially for that manager. Hes very strict, and whatever he says goes. He told me I couldnt even call in if I was sick, that I had to come to the store and he'd be the judge of how sick I was. Which personally, I think is kind of ridiculous. So anyways, tomorrow night I start actually training training I guess on register. I'm nervous, because it's a very busy store, but I think I can manage. Just pray for me por favor<3 style="font-weight: bold;">NEVER spoke what was truly on my mind. I didn't want to lose him or the sex, so I sat there and just sucked up my true feelings and thoughts and pretended basically. I'm not saying i pretended to be happy, because thats not the truth, I was happy with him, I'm just much happier WITHOUT him (: or any guy at that note.

But, along with this new road i've taken, comes new me and new ways of thinking. Things that used to not bother me are KILLING me now. Like, I guess I never really cared, but now, I can hardly stand it without being annoyed constantly or just not wanting to talk at all. Its kinda sad how this is going, but Its what is happening. Things change, and people change, its all a part of growing up.

Mrs. McGovern dropped one of my classes for me. I never thought she'd actually let me, but she did. I was super excited and super thankful. So, i've gotten that load off my shoulders. The job search is over with, so that's done with, and also, we're moving! Which is excellent because now I'm going to be closer to everything. That excites me. God seriously is working miracles and I couldn't be more thankful and blessed<3

I need to start working out. With this new job at McDonald's, I know I'll probably gain weight. So I need to watch what I eat, and then also work out. I need to lose weight. My pants for work are almost too small, so I need to fit them comfortably and then I wanna be able to buy smaller clothes when I go shopping. That'll be cool. Lol.

Carrie underwood

is my life. I love blasting her music and singing aloud just a little bit too loudly. She knows my life. LOL. So last night was pretty cool :) Went to jasmines and hung out with aleks and Taylor. We went on this HUGE walk and Taylor got attacked by a snake. lol. it was fun, but very tiring. Then Taylor left and Alyssa and Casey came over. We watched the end of the unborn then decided to go somewhere. We ended up at Marcell's house. We just sat around and laughed a lot as everyone invaded his food. I went upstairs to play rock band and so i pick the song "i got a feeling." Well once i selected it, Jasmine and Marcell were over there talking about how its the Beatles version. Me being super tired causing me to be loopy and delirious screams " Beatles! i thought this was the black eyed peas". in all seriousness. I was so upset that i wasn't playing that song. LOL. guess you had to be there. Anyways. It was overall a fun night. Just saying.

I got a job! I dont know if i have blogged since i did, but i got one Thursday night. At McDonald's :) I start orientation Monday-wednesday so I guess i start some time after that. im excited but nervous that I'll mess up. But im most happy about the money and hopefully i get good hours.

Lately, i've been getting really annoyed with EVERYONE, even the ones that I'm supposed to be there for no matter what. But sometimes, enough is enough for me and I need a break from everyone else to focus on me. Sometimes, people do things that annoy me, and I can't really help it, because its the way they are, and I'm not going to change people, but it just bothers me. And sometimes people dont listen. I'm guilty of it too I'll admit, but I guess looking at it from this perspective lets me realize how annoying i must be. i need to work on that definitely. Anyways. So with this thought process, sometimes im a jerk and just wants to avoid anything and everything thats gonna bring me down. So i do. oh well.

It's finally settled and over.

And I couldn't feel more relieved. I put everything out there, he told me everything he felt, and it hurt a little, yes, but I feel SO much more better now that I have an answer. I erased everything from him, deleted his number, and prayed that I could really get over him now. Honestly, I woke up this morning with a feeling of peace from God that everything will be fine. I truly believe it. I just need help with my depression, so I think my parents are working on finding someone for me to talk to. Honestly, I think I need to be back in church. A good church. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going back to mine. I think I made up all these excuses on why I couldn't/wouldn't go there, but they were only that. Excuses. So I wouldnt have to stop doing all these bad things I was doing. So I wouldn't go in there feeling hypocritical. Smoking, drinking, cursing, having sex, all that I was doing, wasn't right. I'm so stupid for doing it all. I dont regret it, because it took me so low that I finally figured out I only needed God again to come back up. It showed me a whole other side that just wasn't for me. I guess thats why i've been getting really annoyed lately with how my friends are acting. They're bothering me. That's not good. But I need to figure myself out before I worry about them. I might need some time, some separation from them, but I need to get out of this pit of hell. I hate the devil. He put me here. But thats only because i surrounded myself with people and things that were totally wrong for me. When I lost my best friend, I honestly believe that It should have stayed that way. I mean I love the kid, but after starting being friends with him again, and meeting Ryan, things went downhill. It was fun for a season, but afterward it has only caused me heartbreak, hurt, hate, struggles, depression etc. I'm so done with that. I dont ever want to hurt this bad ever again. People told me to get over it, and move on, but they didnt know how bad I was struggling. I would have rather been dead then deal with all of that. And I'm not just saying that. No one really knows how low I had hit. But thankfully I found my way back out. This song is going to be my motto. My motto to get me happy. I'm beautiful in the eyes of God and I don't need to change myself or do bad things to get people to like me. If he likes me, that all that really matters.

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you

i wanna live my life from a new perspective.

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of being so judgemental. i've got to change. I've got to let go of these things holding me back from getting me to where i'm finally happy with being me. It's a challenge, but It's what I have to do.

Good day number 1

I'm going to start having great days. So here's to the first one. ;)
Listening to Katy Perry and about to go do my make-up. Probably simple makeup but I'm bored. so yeah.

Hopefully we're going to move. Cause I think its the best option for all of us!

can someone come punch me in the face?

I'm being so serious. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM, and yet, I'm still no where close to being over the kid. every freaking little thing reminds me of him. EVERYTHING. So wtf do I keep torturing myself by talking to him. He doesn't need me, why should I even want him. Gah, I am so stupid, for ever letting him back in my life. So, somehow, I need to get over him. I don't want another boy in order to get over the kid, cause that could take forever. I want to snap my fingers and forget about him. Please and thank you.

I need to do this. I need to know how.

i had a cool blog planned out..

but i forgot what i wanted to say. SO. yeah. :)


OH YEAH- im pretty sure all guys are the same. they all use the same words. the same lines. the same way to do things. well, from what i've noticed anyways. it was so weird listening to him say the same exact things to her that the other he had said to me numerous times. it. was. crazy. it reminded me how happy i was.. how cute he made me feel.. and how cute he sounded. ughhhhh.

blahblahblah

"Oh Heather you look so skinny, you've lost so much weight" I actually love hearing that, but I wish I could see this " skinnier Heather " that everyone else sees. I mean, maybe i've lost a few pounds, or maybe im just hiding it better. I don't honestly believe i've lost that much weight. Maybe only losing five pounds really does make a difference.

Is it bad that I wear things, say things, and post things so people will like it? Or isn't that what everyone does. You do things that people will remember you by and so you get complimented. Thats how I am with my makeup. More so last year, but this year I have my days when I do do my cool designs and stuff. Idk. I dont like putting make up on a lot anymore, but unlike meghan, with makeup i distract myself away from my hair. My hair is being completely gay and I used to say if my makeup looks good then I dont really care about my hair. But honestly, my hair is really bothering me how its not working out. Hopefully I can get it cut soon or actually cut it myself, but I guess we'll see.

I have this braclet. I've had it since I went to the beach with aleks. We got matching ones actually. And supposedly, when it falls off, you fall in love. Wanna know a secret? It tricked me. With the whole Ryan thing, I thought I was in love ( boy was i SO wrong ) and so I think the braclet went along with my thought process and started to come off. So me being stupid was like "oh! im making the right decision. my braclet is going to fall off and we're gonna end up in love." HAHA. Definitely not what was supposed to happen obviously. Because its still on my wrist, just halfway unraveled.

People have always told me this, over and over again. When you stop worrying and looking for guys, they'll come to you. Honestly, this is easier said than done. Its so hard not to try and look for a guy. I mean what does that even mean? Does it mean that I can't talk about how cute someone is or something? Or does it mean i just need to stop trying to find someone to like all the time. Cause if its the latter one, im pretty positive I can do that one. There is really no one for me even to like anymore. I mean I can pretend yeah, but it'd be stupid of me.

This weekend i'm very excited. I was supposed to make plans with aleks tonight but I think i'm really just going to go home and get some rest and do as much as my homework as possible. Sorry baby D: I wouldn't probably be much fun anyways. But this weekend is matthews alive, which is this festival we go to every year and i LOVE it. My family and me are going. I think it should be fun, esp since my dad got paid. HOLLUH. ;) And hopefully there will be cute boys for Heather to look at, thats all :). So thats what im most excited for. Then I think sunday/monday i'm hanging out with the tutus. I think i'm finally going to see Eclipse. Well hopefully.. cause I havent even seen it yet. So yuhp.

Now that you've read my pointless blog, have a wonderful life!

you dont even have to read this. i needed to let it out.

For me to keep on doing this isn't going to get me anywhere at all, except failing. Not going to school and laying in bed all day isn't healthy for me. But honestly, I dont know whats wrong with me. All i feel like doing is sleeping. I dont want to go out. I dont want to text people. I dont want to talk to anyone, seriously, I just want to sleep. So, that has led to me missing two wednesdays in a row of my mon/wed. classes. Am I concerned? Not really because i hate them anyways. I tried dropping PYS but atm thats not possible and it was too late for me to drop it. :/.

Anyways, i've been thinking a lot and judging people isn't very nice of me. I dont know what goes on in their lives. I dont know if they're poor, if they're rich or if they're just good. I dont know if they get new clothes each school year, have a dinner nightly, or even have parents. So without knowing all this, there is no room for me to even judge them. Like, i've gotten a lot better, but sitting on the bus yesterday looking at the people gathered waiting for their buses I noticed something- you dont know what happens to them daily. Yeah they might have weird clothes on that dont match, but honestly, maybe thats all they have. Maybe they go home at night and cry because they're poor. They dont have much, and they hate it because they get made fun of. Bullying has never been my favorite thing, because of how much i was bullied. But for some odd reason, I do it. Maybe not always out loud or to someones face, but in my head im constantly judging everyone. Why? I guess i just figured they're already judging me but maybe they really aren't. Basically, I gotta stop that like now.

I told you I was happy. I'm not. And its not because of stupid boys though. I'm not happy with myself. My body. My face. My hair. My everything. I'm not happy with the fact that we dont have a car still, after nine freaking months! Can someone please tell me how this is still going on like this? Cause I honestly can't figure it out. I'm not happy that I could have had my license a year and a half ago, but yet I STILL dont have it. I'm not happy that i dont have a job. I'm applying more and more and we'll see how this goes. I'm not really happy with my decisions lately. Smoking weed isn't something I do. Smoking blacks, things that could give me cancer, is pretty freaking ridiculous. Those are only the "bad things" i've done besides sex, but I'm not not happy with that. I mean its whatever to me. If I get to have it, I do, if not, I'll be aight. That's why I'm having the hardest time trying to decide if i wanna drop him completely or just be friends with benefits. Do I wanna hook up with someone who hooks up with ten times other girls. I mean maybe thats not true, but still I know he's messing around with others. Why was I so attracted to him anyways? Oh yeah, his freaking killer body. The way his eyes were so cute and just how sweet he was. But he was something I never even needed. Pot head, constant fighting, conceited. Those are definitely not good qualities in a guy I'm looking for. I think I didn't want to lose him because I had something that so many other girls wanted, and he wanted me back. Even if only for that short period of time and idk if half the crap he said to me was lies, i still had him. That's all gone now and im over it. He only looked good without a shirt on anyways. Just saying. I guess he'll be the real decision maker on that one. If he decides to never talk to me again, that'll be fine with me. I'm not going to put effort in to talking to him, at all. I dont need him. It's his loss and not mine. kay thank you.

Now- im going to focus on Heather Noelle Kania. Making me happy. Making me healthier. Making me skinnier. Trying to become a better person. Not cursing as much. This is going to be the hardest one considering how much my friends do it. But it really isn't even me! I dont know what happened to the happy God loving Heather. I lost her, a long time ago. And I even miss her. I dont pray to God. That's sad. Only if people ask me to Pray for them, I do it. Even then I still feel stupid for praying because I havent done it in so long. Lets see if I can get back somewhere to where I'm happy.

happy :)

and I am so excited to be feeling this way. Today was awesomeee. Fucking awesome actually. Blasting feel good music and doing some homework :) Honestly, I think I can make something of my life and make ME happy with ME. Because im going to be focusing on me and school. Thats all I can do and need to do. Flirt. Have fun. Get good grades. Lose weight. Tone up. Everything. Im seriously so excited for life. I dont know what has gotten into me, but I know that i wanna sing lalalala :)


" come come baby, come be my toyfriend, let me play with you. come come baby, come be my toyfriend, til im threw with you. let me play with you. ;D "

I guess im happy?

Because i thought it would hurt more to hear those words you had to say to me, even though i've known the truth for a couple weeks now, I just thought there was more hope. Surprisingly, I left your house satisfied and fairly happy. I think I just needed to see you. I think I needed to know that even if we didnt date, that I could at least still chill with you and be friends or what not. But I just hate how you said " I didnt see us going anywhere" because honestly, thats the story of my life. How are you going to judge that until you actually gave me the chance? I wont bring that up to you though, because I'm done arguing to you about your decisions cause seriously, they're your decisions, and if that involves you not liking me or wanting to date me, thats only kinda your loss, not mine. So, I'm happy. I didnt get what i wanted, but honestly, when do I ever when it comes to boys?

I dont have anything to blog about.

But i wanna. So, here goes for a blog full of nothing probably.

This whole weekend was great. I already blogged about Friday night so I'll blog about my Saturday. It was pretty chill during the day, didnt do much, finished my paper and then Amy texted me and was like "heyy, we're going out tonight are you at your moms? " and of course I wasn't so I'm like, dude, i need to find a ride. So i get to my moms and they pick me up. Everyone is in this super awesome mood for some odd reason, and I'm trying my best at pretending I was cause i let boys get me down, as usual. Whatever not the point. We go to Chili's and it was pretty cool. The sexy boy from our college works there, I didnt mind. :) We had a really good time and just got appetizers and dessert. We laughed alot, told stories, laughed some more, cursed too much and just had a good time. Then we went to walmart where we always have fun. I got some foundation cause i dont have any, but im thinking its too dark. Oh well. Then after that I spent the night at Meghan's. With me being so tired, i didnt really wanna do much so we talked, started dating :) and just chilled until we went to bed sometime after 12:34 lol :) But woke up this morning sweaty and gross. LOL. Oh welll.

That was my day. Now, im going to go outside and enjoy this night, do some cartwheels, and be happy.

oh dear Jesuss

Last night was a little bit too crazy for my likings. It was fun I do admit, but sometimes enough is enough. Oh lets say like when the cops come to my house? And theres some stuff on the property that shouldn't be there? yeah. That's when heather freaks out. Whatever. Everything is good, so no worries but I definitely had my heart attack last night. I really wanted to see him last night, but not seeing him might be doing me some good. Maybe I can for real get over him. Hearing all these stories about all these girls who want him makes me concerned, but I can't be because hes not mine and he can be with WHOEVER he wants. So hopefully I'm learning a little bit each day I go without talking to him or seeing him.

I'm very bad on procrastinating. Especially with college classes. I think its just stupid, so I dont really feel like doing it. It annoys me and frustrates me. Blah.

I'm working out more. I need to lose a little bit of weight for me to be fully happy with myself. Like people tell me I look good, and skinny and stuff, but until i fully see it, I'm going to keep working out. I know I'm not disgusting, but I'm not size two either. So yuhp.

This will be about school.

Its stressing me out. How am i supposed to even survive. I know i should be working on schoolwork instead of blogging but i had to blog. I can't handle all these classes im taking. I know some people are in a lot more than me, but i dont have enough determination to actually do the work. My mind is constantly wandering around from every other thoughts besides the school ones. I have a paper to write and a bunch of other things to read and stuff, and i just dont want to do it. Its too too much. And now i find out its too late to drop classes. fuck. i needed that as an option out just kinda. whatever though.

she will be loved.

So yuhp. Heather is in an awesome mood minus her headache, but that'll pass because Danielle gave me lovely medicine. Im going to try to be more positive. You can probably go back and read every blog of mine and they all probably say basically the same thing. But i neeeeeed to be serious this time! I cant keep dwelling on everything, like damn. So ima be myself and not give a fuck what people think. Yuh hear? ;)

just stop heather, stop fucking worrying about it.

You just dont know how you'll react

Until the situation occurs. And that goes for anything that happens in life. Heart break, new crush, death, getting in trouble, etc. Like, think about it. Sometimes you'll be like " dude, if this happens I know I'll die." But it happens, and you're still sitting here alive, hurt? yes. but alive. So thats why I gotta stop thinking this way. I need to just be this pessimistic person and live my life not worrying about how things are going to turn out. I need to just let them happen and face it, maybe get upset, but get over it. You shouldn't dwell on things that aren't worth your time. Its not worth it.
Whateverrr. It's life. Shit happens and then you get over it. I just gotta work on the getting over it part. This weekend should be exciting. Alyssa is coming over tonight, probably Alex and joseph too, but Alyssa is the main one im excited about :). Then Jasmine is coming either tonight or early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for that because shes like staying six thousand days with me! Even though its for a sad reason, but still im glad i'll get to spend time with her. And im pretty sure Amy is coming also tomorrow. So im pretty thrilled for them all!

today wasn't bad at all

I dont know. I just had a decent day i guess. I almost fell asleep in all my classes, thats how tired I am, but yet I dont want to go to bed at all. I hung out with Joseph. It was actually pretty fun and interesting. You know what I enjoy doing? Walking around in my bra and panties. No, im not the skinniest thing by ANY chance, but you know what? You have to make yourself feel confidence with the way you are. Yeah, you can change your body and stuff, but while doing that, work with what you've got. :) I've gotten ready naked including doing my makeup, hair and everything. It's actually fun! lol. Hopefully school wont be as bad as i was stressing myself out about. I just gotta remember one thing - dont freaking procrastinate!

I want someone to want me. Just saying.

oh i have homework?

bahah fuck thattt. It's pretty sad im already getting this attitude on the SECOND day of classes. How pathetic. LOL oh welll. So i went with joseph to see ryan. baha that didnt turn out too well D: his mom found out cause his sister told on us, what a buzzkiller! So, i guess i'll just wait til hes outta trouble to talk to him, if thats even possible. But you know whattt, life moves on (:.

So im thinking i really should read this shittt. not too excited, but oh well! peaceee<3

FUCKKK

This sucks. And is even worse for him D:

frustrated.

And I don't even need to be. But I kinda wanna talk to him, a lot. I know that's stupid but idk last night after we stopped talking i wasn't satisfied with talking to him because I dont think he really was in the mood to talk. But I wanna ask him about his first day to school, and how hes doing and just everything. Oh why does he have to be in trouble, and why hasn't he stolen the phone yet. I wish he was in love with me like my little sisters friend is. He wants to see me and talk to me and everything. I was talking to Ryan yesterday about where we stand. He said he wants to stay how we are, friends and whatever, a little feelings, but nothing more..for now! But like how long is for now!? baha. that kills me. Oh well.

I'm seriously so annoyed. My stupid flashdrive wont open for me. I put a password on it and then i bring it home and it wont give me the option to even open it. Do you know how upsetting that is!? VERY.

So going on a walk to calm down.

life.

cause baby tonight,

the DJ got us fallin' in love again.

So, tomorrow college classes start and I couldn't be more nervous. Yeah, I've had them before, but for some odd reason, this time around I'm just super anxious. I think its because I have four this semester and I'm afraid of getting behind and not doing good. I'm going to try my hardest to get at least B's in all of them, because i want awards this year dammit! LOL. I have to focus and not let any other bullshit get in the way, I need my education.

I don't know what I'm doing about the whole Ryan situation anymore. Obviously he's not going to budge and he's dead set on not having a relationship, but I still don't understand why though. I mean, you have to take chances in order to see if anything will work. I dont even think im that bad looking honestly, but it's always the same shit guy after guy. That we "wouldn't work out," we're "too good of friends," and now this " i need to get my life straight." So, obviously im just this huge problem in your life that you can't handle me, but you can come back for sex whenever right? And im the stupid one still giving it to you, cause im a horny teenager who wants it. Somehow or someway, I need to either control that, find someone new or just completely stop worrying about boys for the moment. Because i can't keep up with this. I get too upset afterward.

(:

Taylor introduced me to some pretty cool Taylor Swift songs. I'm in love with them. Jump then fall is a perfect song i thought for Ryan. But, I didn't even have the chance to play it for him. I swear I could have done that boy good. I wanted to be the one who made him smile, when he wanted to cry. The one to calm him down when he was livid. I mean, who knows, maybe I still will be, but I know i wont be around forever for him, and if he loses me again, thats his loss, and maybe mine.. but I'll have to deal with it right? I'm trying to be more positive about the whole thing, trying to not let myself think about how much this sucks, and just having a little faith maybe, because I seriously havent felt that much hurt since I lost my best friend, but I think that was worse.

"I said leave but all i really want is you, to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming i love you. wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more, and dont you leave cause i know all i need is on the other side of the door<3"

I'm seriously tired of feeling this way.

I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of wanting to only sleep all day long, and not do anything but. I'm scared to see what the test results say, hopefully I have none of those stupid diseases, but I wanna figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I threw up this morning, and I'm feeling all crappy now again. Its getting old.
So, Ryan is the greatest. He came over last night to see me and got caught. He did it all just to see me, and thats the part I love. Hopefully hes not in too much trouble with his mom.. I really really like him. I always talk about how much I do, but I dont honestly think you understand. Everyone has their bad opinion of him, everyone, but no one really sees him like I see him. It's like I know where hes been and what hes done and a lot about him, and I still wanna be with him. I want him, ALL of him, even though theres those few things i dont like, but thats who he is, and if i want him, i take everything about him. I get butterflies when he calls me and i hear his cute little voice. I get butterflies when i see him. I get nervous when I see him, each and every time. It makes me smile more than I have in awhile when im with him. When he is upset, it kills me. I want him happy, that's how much im really starting to care for him. I've kinda realized something, I do need him atm, because if I lose him now, I think I might die, no lie.

Its football season again, and dude am I psyched! LOL. Maybe just maybe the panthers WONT suck this year.. baha :P